Posts tagged ‘tiger woods’

February 4, 2010

What could happen if gays were allowed to serve openly in the miltary

John Phillips could be heard from beyond the grave: “Dude, you’re completely crossing the line.” Middle schoolers  could collectively be heard muttering to themselves: “Dude, that’s so gay.”

The dude to whom they could justifiably be referring  is Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia who, despite the recommendation of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff  Admiral Mike Mullen that the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy should be eliminated, opposes allowing gays to serve openly in the military.  Senator Chamblis  thinks that eliminating the military’s  restriction on homosexuality as a condition of service in the 21st century could put us but steps away from a brave new world of  “alcohol use, adultery, fraternization and body art.”

Really? This from a member of the party of Bush who spent 8 years with a guy named Dick on his ass.  Sure, you might expect a more sophisticated world view from a guy in the US Senate than from the guys on ” Jersey Shore” but the situation reveals that Saxby may know more about Snooky than he knows about nookie.

Not that the Senator needs my help, but here’s a more comprehensive but still incomplete list of social undoings that could result from repealing don’t ask, don’t tell:

Your Toyota could suddenly accelerate for no reason

A black man could become president

Taylor Swift could win a Grammy

John McCain could marry an heiress to an alcohol distribution fortune

John Edwards could make a sex tape of himself making love to his pregnant mistress before he repeatedly denies to his terminally ill cancer stricken wife that he was the father of the baby

Men who have posed naked as a centerfold for Cosmopolitan magazine could be elected to the US Senate

Sandra Bullock could win an acting award

Sarah Palin may become John McCain’s running mate after being found on You Tube and vetted on Google, all in the span of two weeks

Women who look like they didn’t make the cut to be onstage as The Pussycat Dolls  could find themselves in consort with Tiger Woods

John Edwards could take the word of a woman, who is unproblematically willing to have sex with a married millionaire, that he doesn’t have to use a condom because she’s incapable of getting pregnant

John Mayer could complain that he is not getting enough sex and extol the theraputic powers of masturbation while posing on various magazine covers showcasing his tattoos

Timothy Geithner , Larry Summers and Ben Bernake could actually be in bed with the financial institutions they are supposed to be regulating

Rihanna could suffer a brutal beating from Chris Brown, leave him, go back to him, leave him for good because she wants to be a role model for young girls, pose naked for the cover of GQ, get a few more tattoos  and then release the  single  “So Hard,” the video for which looks like a trailer to  Chi Chi La Rue high concept porn

The Northern Ireland brokered peace agreement, decades in the making, could be at peril because the 61 year old wife of of one of the political leaders may have a torrid seven month affair with a dead family friend’s 19 year old son and then fail to report that she and her husband funneled about $80,000 to the young man to open a coffee shop/internet cafe

ABC financial news correspondent Bianna Golodryga could become at least the third woman with poor judgment to jump into the bed of  Peter Orszag, the Director of the Office of Management and Budget, who is being sued by his first wife for non payment of the divorce settlement as he simultaneously becomes engaged to Ms Golodryga before the pregnant ex girlfriend he promised to marry gives birth to his fourth child

Sarah Palin’s new  curly updo hairstyle could resemble that of Jethrine on “The Beverly Hillbilies”

Your Toyota could make other Toyota owners  very uncomfortable especially if you’re in such close proximity that they can see yours coming up the rear

US Senators who pretend to shower the masses with the naked truth could be more careful about bending over to pick up the soapbox they want to stand on

December 3, 2009

What to buy your wife for Christmas

If you’re Tiger Woods, you buy her off.

Nothing says  “I love you and I’m sorry for hitting 4 holes in one with the girls when you were under the impression that I was just off to hit 18 holes of golf  with the guys” than renegotiating your pre nuptual agreement.

After 3 women have now come forward to reveal that they were having long term affairs with Mr. Woods, it’s no longer possible for him to claim that he kept his 9 iron in his golf bag and that 69 was simply par for the course.

Tiger is learning that  his “I’m not a player, I just crush a lot” cheating and getting caught and caught and caught is basically a numbers game. Big numbers. Especially if the vast majority of your  annual $100 million income comes from endorsement deals which depend on your squeaky clean above the fray gentleman image.

And some  of us are  just now learning how contemporary high profile marriages, much like royal marriages we read about in history books, are pure and simple business arrangements.

Tiger, you silly rabbit, you’re reminding us that romances without the tricks are for kids.

The Daily Beast reports that it ” has learned exclusively that the beleaguered golfer is negotiating an immediate $5 million payout to his wife—and revising her prenup to give her as much as $55 million more to stay with him two more years.”

Read the story here.

December 1, 2009


“Since she turned up on his arm in early 2002, Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, has been not just a cipher but a consummate match for her husband—classy and elusive, and from a smart, well-to-do Swedish family,” writes The Daily Beast‘s Jacob Bernstein. So he is admittedly “confounded by reports that Nordegren may have ‘gone ghetto’ on Woods after allegedly hearing that he was having an affair.”

I suggest Mr Bernstein listen to Jasmine Sullivan’s “Bust your windows,” not only because it is one of the best songs of 2009 but because it so eloquently and rationally explains how things might have escalated and why Mrs Woods may have “gone country club” on Mr Woods’ Escalade.

I have a really good feeling that Ms Sullivan might be able to unravel “The Mysterious Mrs. Woods” for Mr Bernstein. And for Mr Woods, too.