Posts tagged ‘sarah palin’

May 2, 2011

OSAMA BIN LADEN IS KILLED BY CIA

“MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED

BIN LADEN’S BODY BURIED AT SEA.

DONALD TRUMP DEMANDS LONG FORM DEATH CERTIFICATE.

State of New York to issue long form death certificate for Donald Trump’s political career.

Republican 2012 Presidential field reportedly on life support.

Michelle Bachmann left speechless. Doctors to perform CT scan live on C-Span.

Former President George W. Bush once again urges all Americans to go shopping.

Sarah Palin to complain.

Kim Kardashian plans release party in Pakistan for new sex tape “Taxi Cab Concessions” .

Search for Lindbergh baby resumes in Malibu, Bel Air and The Hamptons.


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April 28, 2011

Why Sarah Palin isn’t funny

March 27, 2010

Tough Chic

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March 26, 2010

Sarah Palin’s Plan of Execution

“Commonsense Conservatives & lovers of America: ‘Don’t Retreat, Instead –RELOAD!’” Sarah Palin on Twitter


“This map gives me a serious boner! As do you, Sarah. I love you!” Oz Carver, commentator on Sarah Palin’s Facebook
Sarah, when does your new parenting picture book “Mommy Says Play With Fire and Run With Scissors?” come out? TomKolovos.com


February 8, 2010

SEPARATED AT BIRTH?

Snow days have a way of making you think of snow jobs.

Do you think  Snookie from “Jersey Shore” and Sarah Palin look like they were separated at birth? Retarded as it may sound, I don’t use a teleprompter or scrawl notes on my left palm, so I don’t have an answer, off hand. Maybe you could help?

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IGNORE WHAT IT SAYS ON THE PODIUM UNDER THE MICROPHONE.  FOCUS, PEOPLE!


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And before you answer, please note that on “Jersey Shore, life is all about GTL. Gym. Tan. Laundry. In Sarahmerica life is all about :  Gym. Tea. Laundry.

Dirty, dirty laundry. Whatever you think of Snookie, she’s never charged anyone $100, 000 for a hand job.

TomKolovos.com

TheBestDressedList.com

February 4, 2010

What could happen if gays were allowed to serve openly in the miltary

John Phillips could be heard from beyond the grave: “Dude, you’re completely crossing the line.” Middle schoolers  could collectively be heard muttering to themselves: “Dude, that’s so gay.”

The dude to whom they could justifiably be referring  is Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia who, despite the recommendation of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff  Admiral Mike Mullen that the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy should be eliminated, opposes allowing gays to serve openly in the military.  Senator Chamblis  thinks that eliminating the military’s  restriction on homosexuality as a condition of service in the 21st century could put us but steps away from a brave new world of  “alcohol use, adultery, fraternization and body art.”

Really? This from a member of the party of Bush who spent 8 years with a guy named Dick on his ass.  Sure, you might expect a more sophisticated world view from a guy in the US Senate than from the guys on ” Jersey Shore” but the situation reveals that Saxby may know more about Snooky than he knows about nookie.

Not that the Senator needs my help, but here’s a more comprehensive but still incomplete list of social undoings that could result from repealing don’t ask, don’t tell:

Your Toyota could suddenly accelerate for no reason

A black man could become president

Taylor Swift could win a Grammy

John McCain could marry an heiress to an alcohol distribution fortune

John Edwards could make a sex tape of himself making love to his pregnant mistress before he repeatedly denies to his terminally ill cancer stricken wife that he was the father of the baby

Men who have posed naked as a centerfold for Cosmopolitan magazine could be elected to the US Senate

Sandra Bullock could win an acting award

Sarah Palin may become John McCain’s running mate after being found on You Tube and vetted on Google, all in the span of two weeks

Women who look like they didn’t make the cut to be onstage as The Pussycat Dolls  could find themselves in consort with Tiger Woods

John Edwards could take the word of a woman, who is unproblematically willing to have sex with a married millionaire, that he doesn’t have to use a condom because she’s incapable of getting pregnant

John Mayer could complain that he is not getting enough sex and extol the theraputic powers of masturbation while posing on various magazine covers showcasing his tattoos

Timothy Geithner , Larry Summers and Ben Bernake could actually be in bed with the financial institutions they are supposed to be regulating

Rihanna could suffer a brutal beating from Chris Brown, leave him, go back to him, leave him for good because she wants to be a role model for young girls, pose naked for the cover of GQ, get a few more tattoos  and then release the  single  “So Hard,” the video for which looks like a trailer to  Chi Chi La Rue high concept porn

The Northern Ireland brokered peace agreement, decades in the making, could be at peril because the 61 year old wife of of one of the political leaders may have a torrid seven month affair with a dead family friend’s 19 year old son and then fail to report that she and her husband funneled about $80,000 to the young man to open a coffee shop/internet cafe

ABC financial news correspondent Bianna Golodryga could become at least the third woman with poor judgment to jump into the bed of  Peter Orszag, the Director of the Office of Management and Budget, who is being sued by his first wife for non payment of the divorce settlement as he simultaneously becomes engaged to Ms Golodryga before the pregnant ex girlfriend he promised to marry gives birth to his fourth child

Sarah Palin’s new  curly updo hairstyle could resemble that of Jethrine on “The Beverly Hillbilies”

Your Toyota could make other Toyota owners  very uncomfortable especially if you’re in such close proximity that they can see yours coming up the rear

US Senators who pretend to shower the masses with the naked truth could be more careful about bending over to pick up the soapbox they want to stand on

TomKolovos.com

November 28, 2009

If lovin’ you is wrong

If you’re disappointed with Levi Johnson, who recently proved in Playgirl that he’s got as much  to offer between his legs as between his ears, then maybe you should shift your attention from Ricky Holly/NoWood to somebody who deserves it: Billy Currington.

He’s the country singer/songwriter whose current single “(God is great, beer is good and) People are Crazy is about as pithy as it gets.

Pithy, not pissy. Pissy would be Adam Lambert, who is blaming everything from Out magazine to  homophobia for the mismanagement of his career. It takes some balls going between and betwix there –all rogue/ all victim/all the time–and puts him on the fast track to  be the Sarah Palin of the gay/music world.

Apart from his instantly hummable songs which would sound right at home on a George Strait CD, what distinguishes Mr Currington  is his membership in the growing crop of  hunky country crooners who flaunt their big guns and gym toned bods and who, with studied nonchalance, look like they stepped out of the pages of Details magazine.

Call them countrymetrosexuals. Yes, I just made that term up, truthiness be told, and, no, it’s not an oxymoron. Tim McGraw and  Keith Urban are the most conspicuous of the breed. Red state or blue state, redneck or blue blood, it turns out the girls go crazy for a sharp un/dressed man.

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Mr. Currington must be doing something right because he’s become a fixture on the list of men who use their bodies as much as they use their voices to build a music career  and, as a result, also a fixture at the top of the charts. His video for the song “Must be doin’ somethin’ right” shows him completely comfortable with using his  “On the Waterfront” sexuality, pushing the envelope about as far as any mainstream  white male singer has since Chris Isaak‘s “Wicked Game” video.

And push he does. Unlike in “Wicked Game”, where the camera mostly devours and fetishizes Helena Christiansen as she shows off her body for (the male gaze and) Mr Isaak, in ” Must be doin’ something right,” the camera devours Mr Currington’s buff bod which is being shown off for the female gaze.

When you watch this video  you will be struck by how rare this display of male sexuality is in music videos while the female equivalent is almost obligatory for most female superstars, no matter their race, genre or, in Mariah‘s case, age. (Susan Boyle, beware.)

After his preposterous over the top gay underground visual extravaganzaon the American Music Awards was roundly criticized, Mr Lambert fired back that there was a double standard being applied to him because he was gay , pointing to  Madonna and Brittney Spears as examples of performers who have used overtly sexual imagery in their performances, including a same sex kiss for instance, without having to face the wrath of the censors.

He’s only partly right. Yes, conspicuous (and caricatured) displays of gay male sexuality  on network television (but not cable) make America uncomfortable in  2009. So do “wardrobe malfunctions.” Just ask Janet Jackson. But he’s fundamentally  doing somethin’ wrong when he refuses to factor in that America is just now becoming comfortable with routinely fetishizing the male anatomy for the consumption of the female viewer, with (who would have guessed) countrymetrosexuals leading the way.

(See also the ads for Emporio Armani underwear featuring David Beckham.)

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It’s going to take some time before America embraces Mr. Lambert kissing male keyboardists let alone orally sodomizing dancers onstage. In the meantime, Adam, if you want to entertain us, start by keeping it in your pants and  record a few good songs and an album that doesn’t get panned by critics.

It worked for  Tim and Keith and Billy.

TheBestDressedList.com

TomKolovos.com

November 6, 2009

RESIMAY

tom_kolovos_wordpressnewThis is an internet junk email joke that is just too good to not pass along, especially since the unemployment rate topped 10% today and we could all use a good laugh in these tough times. But don’t laugh too hard. This is pretty much the same way Sarah Palin got the 2008 Republican Vice Presidential nomination.

And considering reality TV couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have written a book entitled  “How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture,” consider yourselves lucky to be reading this instead!

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short – below is a pickture of me.

download-2

Employer’s response:

Dear Bryan ,

It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check.

See you Monday.

TheBestDressedLIst.com

October 8, 2009

Penis and Serena

It’s a new game and we’re playing with new balls people.

After a year of poking around the the personal lives of  John Ensign, John Edwards, Jon “plus eight” Gosselin and the other johns, Mark Sanford, Eliot Spitzer and David Letterman, it’s almost impossible to believe that straight married guys have any willpower to keep it in their pants.

Levi Johnson, Sarah Palin’s once potential future ex son in law, is refreshingly making no bones about it and, with  a “you can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig” humility, he officially announced today what was long rumored: he will pose naked for Playgirl.

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The announcement comes just as Serena Williams, the woman who declared at the 2009 US Open “there’s no dynasty without nasty,” is to appear nude on the cover of the “body issue” of  ESPN magazine.

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The aptly named Mr Johnson, you’ll remember, rose to prominence as the lesson-learned-the-hard- way  comeuppence to  hockey moms who simultaneously believe in immaculate conception and teaching your children that abstinence is a foolproof method of birth control.

He’s already posed shirtless whilst diapering his baby for GQmagazine. He’s escorted Kathy Griffin to an awards show, thus positioning himself, so to speak, to the gay marketplace.  So what’s  the big deal about extending his 15 minutes of fame and palling around with his “nothing comes between us and our Levi” fanbase, especially when the cold hard truth is he was “going rogue” way before all those posers hit the scene?

At least he’s got enough of a good head on his shoulders to acknowledge that, in his own still evolving first act of Going Rogue, no one will be reading the articles.

Sure, he’s hired a trainer and is spending 3 hours a day in the gym to prepare his body for public scrutiny, but that pales in comparison to Sarah Palin’s tough call to hire the co-author of a white supremacist’s book to ghostwrite her own book. What’s more salacious, posing nude or naked ambition?

Advantage Mr Johnson.

TheBestDressedList.com

September 30, 2008

Sarah, Plain and Tall(tale)

With my apologies to Patricia MacLachlan, let me tell you a tale about loneliness and abandonment.

John, a “maverick” who, in 8 years of political marriage to his party’s president voted for 90% of the president’s legislative agenda, finds himself saddened by his chances to successfully distance himself from the selfsame disasterous economic and military agenda he voted for so he can now become President himself.

Somewhere in one of his eight homes, he is also saddened that his opponent, an elitist African American upstart half his age and who was raised by a single mother on food stamps, picked a champion of the working class and expert on foreign affairs as his vice presidential candidate.

Even his couture clad, brewing-fortune heiress wife is unable to console him from his public admission that he knows very little about economic matters, which suddenly matter very much to the voters.

Clearly unable to to handle the the burden himself, he decides to put out feelers for an upstart half his age of his very own to put on the presidential ticket.

He asks a few buddies, perhaps some randy buddies, and they tell him that putting a woman on the ticket would show the other side that he meant fundamentally sound business.

So they look around for a political bride.

They find a really good one in Maine, but decide that she isn’t young enough or much of an upstart, so they send her packing.

Suddenly, as if she were a credit card sent through the mail without a FICO credit check, someone pops up on their radar. Her name is Sarah.

She is from Alaska and she is eager, really eager and more than willing to travel down to the lower 48 to take the job immediately. The randy friends like that she was a former beauty pageant contestant and although she is married with children and a potential future ex son in law, it means that she has plenty of practice in the interview portion of her pageants to give confusing, nonsensical answers to difficult questions, and such as.

She seems like the kind of gal that can really read the heck out of an electrifying speech, which some friend of John’s could write and pepper with truthiness. No need to bother the FBI to do a background check.

Just as John had hoped, his plan succeeds beautifully. Within hours of the political marriage, they manage to steal the political thunder from their elitist community organizing upstart opponent. Everyone is talking about Sarah!

Oh, and how much does Sarah like talking about her Alaska homeland which she misses very much. To relieve her homesickness, she paints beautiful, fanciful pictures with words about her life there and the shores of Alaska and their proximity to a far away land called Russia. She even talks about the strategic proximity of her homeland to the exotic land of Canada.

But after a severe economic crisis threatens to force the entire world to party like it’s 1929, John is afraid they may lose the election and he may be forced to sell the entire country to China.

When Sarah leaves to go to the United Nations and on national television with Katie Couric to talk more about Alaska, John panics. Fearing Sarah may not survive the return trip, he declares that he will suspend his campaign and cancel the scheduled debate with his upstart opponent to go to Wahington to help fix the economic meltdown that a week earlier he had declared didn’t exist.

In his haste to get to Washington, he forgets to close down any of his campaign offices or stop running any of his campaign ads on television. He also forgets his haste, since, having cancelled an interview with David Letterman because he has suspended his campaign, he goes to Katie Couric’s CBS office instead, where it turns out he decides to be interviewed. David Letterman feels lonely and abandoned..

In the end, John’s fears are well founded. Sarah does not survive the return trip. Actually, she is politely asked not to return, abandoned really, by one of her most influential admirers at the National Review. She’s had enough of Sarah’s tall tales. She admonishes that “if BS were currency, Sarah… could bail out Wall Street herself.”

Sarah is now working on learning to print currency, and in her spare time, cold fusion. (It’s cold in Alaska and her parents say there’s nothing that their daughter can’t do.) She plans to report on her results this Thursday nite.


TomKolovos.com