Posts tagged ‘pope benedict XVI’

April 22, 2011

The rich and famous put on Easter one egg at a time (or, The Politics of Blasphemy)

Donald Trump–“I want to see the death certificate. Isn’t it more than a bit suspicious that the date of his death changes every year? I’ve spared no expense putting private investigators on the case.”

Lindsey Lohan–“There’s a security camera video of me walking out of the store wearing The Cross?”

Donald Trump–“LET ME FINISH. Yes, I used to be pro choice and against the death penalty. But the more I came to understand Easter, the more I became pro life and for the death penalty. NEXT QUESTION.”

Barack Obama–“My base, my base, why have you forsaken me?”

Michelle Bachmann–“My fellow Iowans let us rejoice on this day, for we Christians celebrate the resurrection of The Easter Bunny.”

Kim Kardashian— “I got nailed one long hot weekend in East LA by a guy named Jesus. I’ve been nailed by more guys than drywall, but I thought Jesus was special. He kept moaning ‘today you will be with me in paradise.’ I never saw him again after that Sunday. Whatever.”

Nate Berkus— “I’m the first openly gay male talk-show host.  Who but Tom Kolovos would ever interpret that as a slam against Anderson Cooper? I know for a fact that up until I started this embarrassing, poorly rated and often ridiculed  talk show of mine, Tom thought I was one of the very few openly gay men on television to comport himself with any dignity. Apparently he no longer feels that way. Now if you will excuse me, I need to do a segment on how to use Easter as an excuse to make you repaint your house in pastels with Behr paint. Anything for a buck, right?

Julie Taymore–“It is finished.”

Rick Santorum–“If everybody followed Christ’s example, we wouldn’t even need Medicare and Social Security. The Bible makes it clear that Easter is about cutting entitlement programs and reducing the deficit.”

Mel Gibson— “Listen Mary, you f***ing whore, you’re an embarrassment to me. You look like a f—ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n—ers, it will be your fault.”

Charlie Sheen— “Some Jews nailed a guy to a cross? Welcome to Hollywood, my friend.”

Jesus–“If Charlie Sheen rises again before I do, I’m gonna be really pissed.”

Kobe Bryant—  “I never put all my eggs in one basket, you f***ing faggot.”

Pope Benedict XVI–“And to those of you in America who  have strayed from the teachings, I say to you the story of Jesus and Judas proves that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ worked for some 33 years. The Catholic Church can prove that it works for a lot longer than that.”

Rahm Emanuel–“To all you that gave up liquor for Lent, I say come to Chicago on May 16th for my swearing in ceremony as Mayor. It will be sponsored by EFFEN Vodka.”

John Galliano— “Bartender, one more round for the ugly lady.”

Oprah–“It is finished.”

John Edwards–“This would be a good time to remind everybody that I’m not the first man to ask another to pretend to be the father of his child. The other time would be around Christmas. See, we do live in two Americas!”

Ricky Gervais–(The Easter Bunny, unlike Tim Allen, has a wicked sense of humor.)

Donald Trump–I’M NOT FINISHED. What gives Obama the right to question anyone about my integrity and the business history of the Trump Tower in Chicago? Ivanka take him down, baby. Treat him like a buyer at the height of the market. Look him in the eye. You know our motto, no crisis big enough that the Donald can’t solve by looking someone in the eye. WE’RE FINISHED HERE, CURIOUS GEORGE.”

Greg Mortenson–“I was there with the 12 Apostles and Mary Magdalene and the whole gang. Really. I  wrote about it in my new book  3  Cups of Warranty Not Included.”

Lady Gaga releases her new single. “I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel, but I’m still in love with Judas.”

The Easter Bunny will be on sabbatical until next year, depending on what religious calendar you follow. He can live with himself everyday and hams it up by laying green eggs.

Related post: “Bad Reputation” and Stewie Rah Rah, the #1 king of fun

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October 28, 2009

MORE FAGS, MORE FUN

tom_kolovos_wordpressnewI’m pretty sure the Catholic Church doesn’t like gay people because in its experience gay people are a pain in the ass. Sort of how Mary Stuart (Queen of Scots) must have felt about Queen Elizabeth I.

Given that Jesus said not a single word in the Bible about homosexuality, the utter contempt that the Catholic hierarchy has for gays is in large part understandable because it is informed by its perverse experience of conflating  homosexuality with  the rampant unchecked pedophilia in its ranks and the laundry list of sins committed in the still persistent cover up.

In the movie “Heathers,” when Winona Ryder is asked point blank “why are you such a bitch?” the only possible answer is “because I can be.” You can’t imagine  what a terrorist bitch the Catholic Church is in the lives of gay people.  Consider, for example, the complicated dance between the Catholic Church and the breakaway factions of the Anglican Church (Episcopalians in the US), a dance which began back when Henry XIII picked a little fight with the Vatican over some women and their inability to produce little boy babies.

This week, the Pope and the entire Catholic hierarchy, which  has been/ still is pardoning and harboring child molesters in its ranks for God only knows how long, is now openly accepting  disgruntled homophobic married Anglicans priests and their congregations who object to such 21st century nonsense as openly gay or female clergy and gay civil unions (and  let’s not forget condoms) into the Catholic fold.

(I left the Anglican Church and all I got was this lousy T-shirt: YOU HATE GAY PEOPLE? WELCOME. PSSSST: AND IF YOU WANNA F**K SOME LITTLE BOYS TOO, NO PROBLEM! We’ve got a primo 9 year old or two with the body of 7  a year old. Right this way.)

This move, while characteristically reactionary, is not altogether unfathomable since historically the Church hasn’t exactly been in the vanguard of human rights or anything that might be called progress. Western history of the last 500 years can plausibly be seen as one giant bitch slap to the Vatican.

When you consider that Martin Luther declared “every man his own priest” and led  the Protestant Reformation which gave rise to the political theory of John Locke  which led to the Declaration of Independence, the much vaunted Vatican II  did nothing more than bring the Catholic Church straight into the 16th century.

Homosexuality, thus understood, is understandably a pain the ass.  So what could possibly be wrong with something to ease the pain? Think of homophobia as the Catholic Church’s answer to universal health care. Happy gay people and openly gay clergy? Not in this 16th century or any other.

It shouldn’t surprise the world, I suppose, that a German Pope who was a member of the Nazi youth, where homoerotica was more rampant than an Abercrombie + Fitch ad campaign, would throw a welcome party for homophobes. After all, the last time the Germans threw a party, they threw a Holocaust. “Burn, baby burn. It’s a disco inferno.”

Yes, the Jews were the first order of business of the Third Reich but gays were the second. You’d think that the Church would be inclined to learn from its mistakes. In a recent essay, Ginia Bellafante assessed the rise and fall of the subjects of  real estate reality shows lamenting that the Bravo hit Flipping Out “lays fraud to the idea that misfortune builds character and makes us better people. Mr. Lewis does not become a better person. He remains greedy, petulant, small-minded, arrogant without justification, ill-tempered, ungenerous — singularly detestable.” Il Papa is in the house.

Projecting his own Nazi past and the misery of pedophiles onto gay people is doubly detestable.  And no fun at all. Maybe next June “God’s Rottweiller” should go to Gay Days at Disney in Orlando and meet Kitty Meow for a Red Bull summit.

It might be instructive for the entire Church to see how “the happiest place on earth,” a creation of  a closeted gay man named Walt Disney, and the very place which once scorned gay people in the name of “family values,” now welcomes them by the hundreds of thousands each year during the first week in June.

Hey Ben, you don’t know what fun is until you’ve been bumping and grinding on a dance floor at  MGM studios, as you look up to the heavens and see  Kitty Meow, Chyna Girl and Power lip synch to the throbbing techno beat remix of Mary Mary’s spiritual “Shackles” (“take the shackles off my feet so I can dance, I just wanna praise You”)  and doing scissor kicks, each on a 3 story cherry picker, while climactically strategic fireworks explode  behind the Magic Kingdom. Unspeakable joy!

While the world has changed enough that gay tattooed love boys  can be found partying and tripping on the dance floor  to the drum and base beat (shirtless and flaunting their six packs, great America) at Gay Days, you don’t have to be Einstein, baby, to see that Pope Ben is flipping out.

Benedict XVI (or as he will properly be known in American human rights circles, Benedict Arnold II) is guilt tripping on  internalized self loathing  and bumping and grinding to the drumbeat of the ideology of the Nazi party of his youth. “No blacks no Jews and no gays.” No if and or but for the grace of God there go I.

But what do I know? I’m just a boy standing in front of a Pope asking him to love me. ( I’ll follow you around until you love me, Papa, Papanazi.)

Good thing I refuse to kneel.

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