President Obama and Seth Meyers at The White House Correspondents Dinner–Watch entire video here

“Donald Trump is here tonight. Now, I know that he’s taken some flak lately, but no one is prouder to put this birth certificate to rest than The Donald. Now he can get to focusing on the issues that matter. Like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened at Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?”

“Donald  Trump owns the Miss USA pageant, which is great for Republicans because it will streamline their search for a Vice President.”

Advertisements

“This Week with Christiane Amanpour: God and Government.” Watch the full episode here.

This is one of those instances where I will reserve comment and encourage you watch for yourself.  I’ll only say that I think this is perhaps the most thought provoking (and at some points frightening)  programming on Sunday morning network television in quite some time. 

Watch the full episode from April 24th by clicking on the image.

The rich and famous put on Easter one egg at a time (or, The Politics of Blasphemy)

Donald Trump–“I want to see the death certificate. Isn’t it more than a bit suspicious that the date of his death changes every year? I’ve spared no expense putting private investigators on the case.”

Lindsey Lohan–“There’s a security camera video of me walking out of the store wearing The Cross?”

Donald Trump–“LET ME FINISH. Yes, I used to be pro choice and against the death penalty. But the more I came to understand Easter, the more I became pro life and for the death penalty. NEXT QUESTION.”

Barack Obama–“My base, my base, why have you forsaken me?”

Michelle Bachmann–“My fellow Iowans let us rejoice on this day, for we Christians celebrate the resurrection of The Easter Bunny.”

Kim Kardashian— “I got nailed one long hot weekend in East LA by a guy named Jesus. I’ve been nailed by more guys than drywall, but I thought Jesus was special. He kept moaning ‘today you will be with me in paradise.’ I never saw him again after that Sunday. Whatever.”

Nate Berkus— “I’m the first openly gay male talk-show host.  Who but Tom Kolovos would ever interpret that as a slam against Anderson Cooper? I know for a fact that up until I started this embarrassing, poorly rated and often ridiculed  talk show of mine, Tom thought I was one of the very few openly gay men on television to comport himself with any dignity. Apparently he no longer feels that way. Now if you will excuse me, I need to do a segment on how to use Easter as an excuse to make you repaint your house in pastels with Behr paint. Anything for a buck, right?

Julie Taymore–“It is finished.”

Rick Santorum–“If everybody followed Christ’s example, we wouldn’t even need Medicare and Social Security. The Bible makes it clear that Easter is about cutting entitlement programs and reducing the deficit.”

Mel Gibson— “Listen Mary, you f***ing whore, you’re an embarrassment to me. You look like a f—ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n—ers, it will be your fault.”

Charlie Sheen— “Some Jews nailed a guy to a cross? Welcome to Hollywood, my friend.”

Jesus–“If Charlie Sheen rises again before I do, I’m gonna be really pissed.”

Kobe Bryant—  “I never put all my eggs in one basket, you f***ing faggot.”

Pope Benedict XVI–“And to those of you in America who  have strayed from the teachings, I say to you the story of Jesus and Judas proves that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ worked for some 33 years. The Catholic Church can prove that it works for a lot longer than that.”

Rahm Emanuel–“To all you that gave up liquor for Lent, I say come to Chicago on May 16th for my swearing in ceremony as Mayor. It will be sponsored by EFFEN Vodka.”

John Galliano— “Bartender, one more round for the ugly lady.”

Oprah–“It is finished.”

John Edwards–“This would be a good time to remind everybody that I’m not the first man to ask another to pretend to be the father of his child. The other time would be around Christmas. See, we do live in two Americas!”

Ricky Gervais–(The Easter Bunny, unlike Tim Allen, has a wicked sense of humor.)

Donald Trump–I’M NOT FINISHED. What gives Obama the right to question anyone about my integrity and the business history of the Trump Tower in Chicago? Ivanka take him down, baby. Treat him like a buyer at the height of the market. Look him in the eye. You know our motto, no crisis big enough that the Donald can’t solve by looking someone in the eye. WE’RE FINISHED HERE, CURIOUS GEORGE.”

Greg Mortenson–“I was there with the 12 Apostles and Mary Magdalene and the whole gang. Really. I  wrote about it in my new book  3  Cups of Warranty Not Included.”

Lady Gaga releases her new single. “I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel, but I’m still in love with Judas.”

The Easter Bunny will be on sabbatical until next year, depending on what religious calendar you follow. He can live with himself everyday and hams it up by laying green eggs.

Related post: “Bad Reputation” and Stewie Rah Rah, the #1 king of fun

“Bad Reputation” and Stewie Rah Rah, the #1 King of Fun

This morning on “Oprah’s Farewell Season,” which has the same resonance  as Cher’s Farewell Tour, given that Ms. Winfrey is not really “leaving” any medium, featured duets with a female legend of rock paired with a younger generation artist. The most curious and cognitively dissonant was the pairing of Joan Jett and Miley Cyrus,  the former being a true  ground breaker in the world of punk with her band The Runaways, the latter being a manufactured Disney princess currently struggling with how, in full view of the tabloid addicted pop cultural landscape, to translate her outsize marginal talent into a respectable adult career.

For Ms. Cyrus this made their duet of “Bad Reputation” both a declaration of defiance and primer on the impotence of defiance if what all you ever were is a randomly entitled tween queen.

This all reminded me of the hullabaloo over that preciously entitled princess Donald Trump (see Vanity Fair portrait ca. 2006) and his bid for the Republican nomination for president in 2012.

He also began the rehabilitation of his image on “Oprah’s Farewell Season,” there to prove what a family man he was because as Oprah ( gamely playing along) declared “we don’t think of you as a family man.”  He appeared with all of his children from all three of his babymammas and his current wife, barely older than his daughter Ivanka, about whom he once said was so pretty that if she weren’t his daughter he’d be hitting that.

Needless to say, he didn’t come off  as a family man.

He did however come off as feudal lord, as you heard every one of his children and his child bride repeatedly (and solely) describe their relationship with The Donald as “a job to do.” (At least Melania was being honest.) This was enough to convince Elizabeth Hasselbeck on “The View” to declare that “Donald Trump has created more jobs than President Obama.” (When the ladies of “The View” complain about what a stalking thin skinned sourpussy you are, what is Hu Jintao going to think of you?)

Needless to say, he did manage to turn his seedy personal life into an economic issue and that alone is a resounding victory in a political landscape in which every social issue is being framed as an economic one. (See Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.)

Donald, lest you think is trotting only the birther argument as a means to prove his authenticity (as in everyone is quite certain he is an American citizen), is pulling out all the stops to prove his superiority to anyone who dares disagree with him. In responding to Gail Collins’ column in The New York Times he wrote:

Even before Gail Collins was with the New York Times, she has written nasty and derogatory articles about me.  Actually, I have great respect for Ms. Collins in that she has survived so long with so little talent. Her storytelling ability and word usage (coming from me, who has written many bestsellers), is not at a very high level.

Forget the syntax for a moment. “Not at a very high level?” Wow, now that’s word usage! With all this authenticity and career trajectory fur flying around,  Mr. Trump betrays the existence of  ghostwriters as Miley does of AutoTune when she sings live. But given  the level of sophistication each presumes of their audience, their talent is unquestionable. Just ask them. Though to be fair, even institutions of higher learning  like Rutgers  are earning their bad reputation these days when they pay more for a lecture from Snooki than they do for  Toni Morrison. Who’s he you ask? Never mind.

All irreverence aside, you will be happy to know that the serious camp in charge of Mr. Trump’s presidential aspirations is  being run by none other than a man commonly known as  Stewie Rah Rah, the #1 King of Fun.

What more can I say?

Strange bedfellows

Did you know that having affairs and unprotected sex is patriotic?

It is if you are potential Republican presidential canditates Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum.

When asked to reflect on how the fact that he had cheated on both his first and second wives might affect his chances with conservative voters if he chose to run for president in 2012,  the now thrice married Gingrich responded:

“There is no question that at times in my life partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard, and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

Gingrich was working hard having one of those affairs while he was spearheading fellow patriot Bill Clinton’s impeachment. This would mean that at the time Monica Lewinsky was running around her condo screaming “Out, out damn spot,” Newt was running around on his wife by hitting his girlfriend’s G spot.

This brings us to Mr. Santorum, who this week blamed “abortion culture” for the problems with funding Social Security. You never thought of that? Well, Rick, whose first name is often misspelled because the P is silent, did.

And so did Randall K. O’Bannon, director of education and research for the National Right to Life, who supported Santorum’s connection between abortions and Social Security payments. The Los Angeles Times reports:

“The loss of 53 million innocent lives is tragedy enough,” O’Bannon said, referring to the number of abortions since 1973. “But in allowing this to happen, we have also brought serious social and economic consequences on ourselves, not only depriving ourselves of the energy, the industry, and the ideas of those we have aborted, but also eliminating a significant portion of the tax base that funds government programs like Social Security and Medicare. You can’t lose 53 million lives and not expect it to have a serious economic impact.”

Not to mention how much tax revenue has been lost because Maury Povich could have been charging much higher ad rates to personal injury attorneys and trade schools. No wonder the Bible forbids a man from spilling his own seed. No wonder the Pope disapproves of birth control. No wonder Kim Kardashian is trying to get nailed by more guys than drywall. It’s about the economy stupid.

Well, Mr. Reagan, you almost had it right.

It’s moaning in America.

The Charlie Sheen School of Babysitting (for Venture Capitalists and Log Cabin Republicans)

Before you dismiss Charlie Sheen’s idea of living with porn stars who take turns babysitting  the children as entirely tasteless, ponder this.

They see a doctor every month and get lab work that someone else pays for. Sort of like working at Walmart. What’s more wholesome and all American than working for Walmart?

You think Sam Walton and family became the richest in the world because they paid for health benefits and respected women? Winning!

Additionally, if you have infants, the girls don’t mind having strangers spill stuff all over them and they’re really good at cleaning up.

In other news, the first Republican to file for a 2012 presidential run is a gay activist. He says he’s Republican because he favors small government.

An ex-boyfriend says he’s a Republican because he can’t stay out of other people’s bedrooms.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann to visit Chinatown

Michele Bachmann (R-MN) to visit Chinatown.  Will announce US support efforts for tsunami victims.

Will urge all Americans to  stand strong with the people of  our WWII ally. To cite importance of tea trade on the Founding Fathers and the role of  Hiroshima in the development of renewable energy.

Tough Chic

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=sarah+palin&iid=8348458″ src=”c/a/d/d/Sarah_Palin_Campaigns_4f68.jpg?adImageId=11772744&imageId=8348458″ width=”380″ height=”430″ /]

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=nancy+pelosi&iid=8311424″ src=”6/6/0/7/House_Votes_On_878c.jpg?adImageId=11772781&imageId=8311424″ width=”329″ height=”594″ /]

Read This, Not That

“How Oscars Ruin a Marriage”

Before the details of Sandra Bullock’s cheating husband get more salacious, you might want to read Nicole La Porte’s thoughtful piece from The Daily Beast.

“Texts Without Context”

And if you’ve ever wondered how all the new media and information technology is altering the cultural and political landscape– and even your own sense of self, as you read this–definitely check out Michiko Kakutani’s excellent piece  from The New York Times.

What could happen if gays were allowed to serve openly in the miltary

John Phillips could be heard from beyond the grave: “Dude, you’re completely crossing the line.” Middle schoolers  could collectively be heard muttering to themselves: “Dude, that’s so gay.”

The dude to whom they could justifiably be referring  is Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia who, despite the recommendation of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff  Admiral Mike Mullen that the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy should be eliminated, opposes allowing gays to serve openly in the military.  Senator Chamblis  thinks that eliminating the military’s  restriction on homosexuality as a condition of service in the 21st century could put us but steps away from a brave new world of  “alcohol use, adultery, fraternization and body art.”

Really? This from a member of the party of Bush who spent 8 years with a guy named Dick on his ass.  Sure, you might expect a more sophisticated world view from a guy in the US Senate than from the guys on ” Jersey Shore” but the situation reveals that Saxby may know more about Snooky than he knows about nookie.

Not that the Senator needs my help, but here’s a more comprehensive but still incomplete list of social undoings that could result from repealing don’t ask, don’t tell:

Your Toyota could suddenly accelerate for no reason

A black man could become president

Taylor Swift could win a Grammy

John McCain could marry an heiress to an alcohol distribution fortune

John Edwards could make a sex tape of himself making love to his pregnant mistress before he repeatedly denies to his terminally ill cancer stricken wife that he was the father of the baby

Men who have posed naked as a centerfold for Cosmopolitan magazine could be elected to the US Senate

Sandra Bullock could win an acting award

Sarah Palin may become John McCain’s running mate after being found on You Tube and vetted on Google, all in the span of two weeks

Women who look like they didn’t make the cut to be onstage as The Pussycat Dolls  could find themselves in consort with Tiger Woods

John Edwards could take the word of a woman, who is unproblematically willing to have sex with a married millionaire, that he doesn’t have to use a condom because she’s incapable of getting pregnant

John Mayer could complain that he is not getting enough sex and extol the theraputic powers of masturbation while posing on various magazine covers showcasing his tattoos

Timothy Geithner , Larry Summers and Ben Bernake could actually be in bed with the financial institutions they are supposed to be regulating

Rihanna could suffer a brutal beating from Chris Brown, leave him, go back to him, leave him for good because she wants to be a role model for young girls, pose naked for the cover of GQ, get a few more tattoos  and then release the  single  “So Hard,” the video for which looks like a trailer to  Chi Chi La Rue high concept porn

The Northern Ireland brokered peace agreement, decades in the making, could be at peril because the 61 year old wife of of one of the political leaders may have a torrid seven month affair with a dead family friend’s 19 year old son and then fail to report that she and her husband funneled about $80,000 to the young man to open a coffee shop/internet cafe

ABC financial news correspondent Bianna Golodryga could become at least the third woman with poor judgment to jump into the bed of  Peter Orszag, the Director of the Office of Management and Budget, who is being sued by his first wife for non payment of the divorce settlement as he simultaneously becomes engaged to Ms Golodryga before the pregnant ex girlfriend he promised to marry gives birth to his fourth child

Sarah Palin’s new  curly updo hairstyle could resemble that of Jethrine on “The Beverly Hillbilies”

Your Toyota could make other Toyota owners  very uncomfortable especially if you’re in such close proximity that they can see yours coming up the rear

US Senators who pretend to shower the masses with the naked truth could be more careful about bending over to pick up the soapbox they want to stand on

TomKolovos.com