Posts tagged ‘music’

February 18, 2011

A Heart Like Mine

I think this song makes a nice companion piece to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” This video is from a live acoustic performance. The single appears on Ms. Lambert’s excellent CD “Revolution”.

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February 8, 2011

My Funny Valentine

Rodgers and Hart wrote “My Funny Valentine”  in 1937 for the musical “Babes in Arms.” The song’s essential message can be described as: your  flaws are endearing, so please don’t change.
To see how sentiments and expression of love and attraction have changed ( or not)  in the last 75 years, I thought I’d mash up some of 2011’s top pop singles and some current research with the classic lyrics and see what emerges.

My funny Valentine
Sweet comic Valentine
You make me smile with my heart

The back story is upfront on Ricky Martin’s “Música + Alma + Sexo” (“Music + Soul + Sex”), his first studio album since 2005 and his first since he announced last year on his Web site that he is “proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man.” On this album his usual exhortations to seize life’s pleasures mingle with coming-out manifestos, and he smiles through them all. (New York Times)

Your looks are laughable, unphotographable
Yet you’re my favorite work of art

Pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than f*ckin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you’re nothing
You’re f*ckin’ perfect to me! (Pink)

Is your figure less than Greek?
Here’s the situation
Been to every nation
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do
You know my motivation
Given my reputation
Please excuse me I don’t mean to be rude

But tonight I’m f*cking you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m f*cking you
Oh you know
That tonight I’m f*cking you (Enrique Iglesias)

Is your mouth a little weak?

Cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But chains and whips excite me (Rihanna)

When you open it to speak, are you smart?
The video clip for the album’s first single in English, a lilting duet with Joss Stone called “The Best Thing About Me Is You,” shows Mr. Martin pulling a gag off his mouth, then juxtaposes him with gay and straight couples with equal signs painted on their chests. (New York Times)

But don’t change a hair for me
A long-term study of 3,500 people between the ages of 30 and 101 found that regular sex may shave between four and seven years off your physical appearance. Researchers at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland presented photos of the subjects to an impartial panel of judges, who were asked to guess their ages. The people who were judged to be the youngest were also those who had the most sex. What’s the connection between youthfulness and getting it on? In addition to boosting self-esteem and confidence, sex increases the production of human growth hormone, which is known to improve muscle tone.

Not if you care for me
A recent study published in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology found that erectile dysfunction (ED) is often an early indicator of poor cardiovascular health. Researchers followed more than 2,300 men for an average of four years and found that men with ED had a 58 percent greater risk of coronary heart disease. Another study showed that men who reported having three or more orgasms per week experienced 50 percent fewer heart attacks and strokes as compared with those who had less frequent orgasms. Sex may help the heart because orgasm triggers the release of the hormone DHEA, which helps with circulation and arterial dilation.
Stay little Valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine’s Day
For reasons that are still unclear, regular sex may even add years to your life. A study published in the British Medical Journal found that men who had sex less than once per month were twice as likely to die in the next 10 years than those who had sex once per week. And guys aren’t the only ones to benefit: Researchers at Duke University found that women who claimed to enjoy their sex lives lived seven to eight years longer than women who were indifferent to sex.
Is your mouth a little weak.
The secret to good sex after marriage: low costs, high transparency. Who said economics was dismal?
When you open it to speak, are you smart?
When sex is dirt cheap, we’re much more likely to go at it like rabbits. Couple O has been together for 15 years and has a great sex life. They keep it affordable. If they’re tired, they make it quick. Maybe they don’t even bother to take their shirts off. When one of them is in the mood, they say so.

But don’t change a hair for me

Which brings us to a second principle of economics that applies to the bedroom: transparency. Transparency is what keeps the wheels of the free market—and, coincidentally, your sex life—greased. Couple O doesn’t make each other guess, because guessing takes time, and is often stressful (“Should I or shouldn’t I? If she’s not up for it, I’m going to be bummed and wonder if it’s because she’s not attracted to me. What if she’s not attracted to me? Oh Jesus. Forget it”). Bottom line: Guessing is costly.

Not if you care for me
Stay little Valentine, stay

Now for your third and final economics lesson: the theory of rational addiction.

The gist of rational addiction is that we get addicted to things—alcohol, gambling, porn, crystal meth, cigarettes, loser boyfriends—by doing them over and over again, and we stay addicted to them because we feel the benefits outweigh the costs. So a heroin addict knows heroin is habit-forming and deadly, but has decided he’d still rather be high and addicted than not high and not addicted. For him, being an addict is a “rational” decision in the sense that he has considered the long- and short-term costs and benefits. According to the theory, the same applies to what might be considered “good” addictions, like working hard, or listening to music, or eating healthy food, or loving one person every day, for the rest of your life. Or having sex.

Each day is Valentine’s Day

Lady Gaga announces that her first fragrance will smell “of blood and semen.”


February 2, 2010

Pink, Men in Grey and the True Colors of The Grammy Awards 2010

“Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself/ Will it ever get better than tonight?”

Despite what the beautifully dressed, off key and exuberantly delusional Taylor Swift would like you to believe, when you’re 80 and you think back to the 2010 Grammy Awards, you will think back, not to her tedious pubescent musing on the cynically titled CD “Fearless,”  but to that lyric  from the authentically fearless “Funhouse” CD and you will  definitely think Pink.

She tore the roof off of the place last night at the Grammys, singing “Glitter in the Air.”  It was a performance that will go down in Grammy history as iconic. Click here if you missed it.

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+pink&iid=7772091″ src=”c/7/4/a/The_52nd_Annual_2faf.jpg?adImageId=9814906&imageId=7772091″ width=”234″ height=”329″ /]

She appeared resplendently clad as if an all white Byzantine Madonna, later stripping down to a sheer glittery white catsuit and floated alternately angelically, aerobically and Busby Berkeley-like above the crowd, all the while throwing down the gauntlet to every singer and “performance artist” by excelling at both.

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+pink&iid=7772071″ src=”b/0/4/3/The_52nd_Annual_933b.jpg?adImageId=9814929&imageId=7772071″ width=”380″ height=”592″ /]

She was a much needed  leave-you-breathless-breath-of-jaw-dropping-bravura in a  high stakes game of showmanship that favored the  histrionic (Earth Song Michael Jackson tribute) , mawkish ( Andrea Bocelli and Mary J Blige), soporific (Dave Mathews Band), gratuitous (Bon Jovi) , sophomoric (Taylor Swift, embarrassingly out of tune), profane (Eminem et al) and  the merely interesting on paper (Lady Gaga and Elton John). Only the muscular performance by the night’s big winner, Beyonce, and the sweetly rendered harmonies of Lady Antebellum, whose comparatively very low key performance has reportedly immediately spiked sales of “Need you Now,” came even remotely close to matching the thrill of Pink.

It was definitely ladies night  during the televised portion of the ceremony which may have left many of the guys singing the blues but also  of note  this year was the  surprising number of guys who rated  on the red carpet by trading the black tux for the grey suit or dinner jacket.  Among  those who favored the chic alternative of various shades, patterns and textures of grey instead of black included Dave Matthews, Mario Lopez, Lionel Richie,  Josh Dumel, Carlos Santana, Russel Brand and “Jersey Shore” caricature Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.

Below is a gallery of the ones who really pulled it off.

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+red+carpet&iid=7773389″ src=”5/6/d/a/Grammy_Awards_2010_003b.jpg?adImageId=9809376&imageId=7773389″ width=”234″ height=”300″ /] [picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+red+carpet&iid=7772772″ src=”2/d/0/4/Grammy_Awards_2010_a5fc.jpg?adImageId=9810222&imageId=7772772″ width=”234″ height=”300″ /]

John Legend wore his with a v-neck sweater and tie.

Keith Urban wore it showcasing his signature “heavage.”

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+common&iid=7771770″ src=”d/5/7/c/The_52nd_Annual_8385.jpg?adImageId=9812550&imageId=7771770″ width=”234″ height=”378″ /] [picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+billy+currington&iid=7770978″ src=”e/3/f/a/The_52nd_Annual_1eb3.jpg?adImageId=9810797&imageId=7770978″ width=”234″ height=”343″ /]

Rapper Common looked so dapper in plaid with a red pindot evening scarf and  country singer Billy Currington rocked the 3 piece charcoal number.

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+david+guetta&iid=7775478″ src=”5/1/e/a/The_52nd_Annual_7543.jpg?adImageId=9811369&imageId=7775478″ width=”234″ height=”353″ /] [picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+justin+guarini&iid=7769960″ src=”9/c/0/7/The_52nd_Annual_4182.jpg?adImageId=9811235&imageId=7769960″ width=”234″ height=”357″ /]

Grammy winner David Guetta went for an artful military vibe while Justin Guarini looked smashing in a grey tuxedo over a graphic t shirt.

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+kings+of+leon&iid=7778107″ src=”c/b/3/7/Grammy_Awards_2010_1f7a.jpg?adImageId=9811430&imageId=7778107″ width=”380″ height=”259″ /]

Critical darlings and  Grammy winners Kings of Leon split the difference.

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+green+day&iid=7773962″ src=”f/6/3/f/The_52nd_Annual_79b3.jpg?adImageId=9811493&imageId=7773962″ width=”380″ height=”545″ /]

Gradually, so did the guys from Green Day.

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+jonas+brothers&iid=7773988″ src=”6/b/7/c/The_52nd_Annual_a38d.jpg?adImageId=9811602&imageId=7773988″ width=”360″ height=”594″ /]

The Jonas Brothers looked better than ever  but it’s  Joe’s grey dinner jacket that nails the look.

[picapp align=”center” wrap=”false” link=”term=grammys+2010+linkin+park&iid=7771005″ src=”0/d/0/8/The_52nd_Annual_94b7.jpg?adImageId=9811610&imageId=7771005″ width=”380″ height=”335″ /]

Linkin Park manged to navigate the fine line between corporate and cool.

To recap: Men in grey were rocking the red carpet and Pink was flying high while “Glitter was in the air.” Oh, and hey Taylor, sweetie, before you take yourself too seriously, do you happen to remember the 1983 Album of the Year? No? It was Toto IV by Toto.

Color me Barbara, but I think I’ve said enough, no?
.

TheBestDressedList.com

TomKolovos.com


December 1, 2009

I’M MRS TIGER WOODS AND WINDOWS 7 (iron) WAS MY IDEA

“Since she turned up on his arm in early 2002, Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, has been not just a cipher but a consummate match for her husband—classy and elusive, and from a smart, well-to-do Swedish family,” writes The Daily Beast‘s Jacob Bernstein. So he is admittedly “confounded by reports that Nordegren may have ‘gone ghetto’ on Woods after allegedly hearing that he was having an affair.”

I suggest Mr Bernstein listen to Jasmine Sullivan’s “Bust your windows,” not only because it is one of the best songs of 2009 but because it so eloquently and rationally explains how things might have escalated and why Mrs Woods may have “gone country club” on Mr Woods’ Escalade.

I have a really good feeling that Ms Sullivan might be able to unravel “The Mysterious Mrs. Woods” for Mr Bernstein. And for Mr Woods, too.

October 28, 2009

MORE FAGS, MORE FUN

tom_kolovos_wordpressnewI’m pretty sure the Catholic Church doesn’t like gay people because in its experience gay people are a pain in the ass. Sort of how Mary Stuart (Queen of Scots) must have felt about Queen Elizabeth I.

Given that Jesus said not a single word in the Bible about homosexuality, the utter contempt that the Catholic hierarchy has for gays is in large part understandable because it is informed by its perverse experience of conflating  homosexuality with  the rampant unchecked pedophilia in its ranks and the laundry list of sins committed in the still persistent cover up.

In the movie “Heathers,” when Winona Ryder is asked point blank “why are you such a bitch?” the only possible answer is “because I can be.” You can’t imagine  what a terrorist bitch the Catholic Church is in the lives of gay people.  Consider, for example, the complicated dance between the Catholic Church and the breakaway factions of the Anglican Church (Episcopalians in the US), a dance which began back when Henry XIII picked a little fight with the Vatican over some women and their inability to produce little boy babies.

This week, the Pope and the entire Catholic hierarchy, which  has been/ still is pardoning and harboring child molesters in its ranks for God only knows how long, is now openly accepting  disgruntled homophobic married Anglicans priests and their congregations who object to such 21st century nonsense as openly gay or female clergy and gay civil unions (and  let’s not forget condoms) into the Catholic fold.

(I left the Anglican Church and all I got was this lousy T-shirt: YOU HATE GAY PEOPLE? WELCOME. PSSSST: AND IF YOU WANNA F**K SOME LITTLE BOYS TOO, NO PROBLEM! We’ve got a primo 9 year old or two with the body of 7  a year old. Right this way.)

This move, while characteristically reactionary, is not altogether unfathomable since historically the Church hasn’t exactly been in the vanguard of human rights or anything that might be called progress. Western history of the last 500 years can plausibly be seen as one giant bitch slap to the Vatican.

When you consider that Martin Luther declared “every man his own priest” and led  the Protestant Reformation which gave rise to the political theory of John Locke  which led to the Declaration of Independence, the much vaunted Vatican II  did nothing more than bring the Catholic Church straight into the 16th century.

Homosexuality, thus understood, is understandably a pain the ass.  So what could possibly be wrong with something to ease the pain? Think of homophobia as the Catholic Church’s answer to universal health care. Happy gay people and openly gay clergy? Not in this 16th century or any other.

It shouldn’t surprise the world, I suppose, that a German Pope who was a member of the Nazi youth, where homoerotica was more rampant than an Abercrombie + Fitch ad campaign, would throw a welcome party for homophobes. After all, the last time the Germans threw a party, they threw a Holocaust. “Burn, baby burn. It’s a disco inferno.”

Yes, the Jews were the first order of business of the Third Reich but gays were the second. You’d think that the Church would be inclined to learn from its mistakes. In a recent essay, Ginia Bellafante assessed the rise and fall of the subjects of  real estate reality shows lamenting that the Bravo hit Flipping Out “lays fraud to the idea that misfortune builds character and makes us better people. Mr. Lewis does not become a better person. He remains greedy, petulant, small-minded, arrogant without justification, ill-tempered, ungenerous — singularly detestable.” Il Papa is in the house.

Projecting his own Nazi past and the misery of pedophiles onto gay people is doubly detestable.  And no fun at all. Maybe next June “God’s Rottweiller” should go to Gay Days at Disney in Orlando and meet Kitty Meow for a Red Bull summit.

It might be instructive for the entire Church to see how “the happiest place on earth,” a creation of  a closeted gay man named Walt Disney, and the very place which once scorned gay people in the name of “family values,” now welcomes them by the hundreds of thousands each year during the first week in June.

Hey Ben, you don’t know what fun is until you’ve been bumping and grinding on a dance floor at  MGM studios, as you look up to the heavens and see  Kitty Meow, Chyna Girl and Power lip synch to the throbbing techno beat remix of Mary Mary’s spiritual “Shackles” (“take the shackles off my feet so I can dance, I just wanna praise You”)  and doing scissor kicks, each on a 3 story cherry picker, while climactically strategic fireworks explode  behind the Magic Kingdom. Unspeakable joy!

While the world has changed enough that gay tattooed love boys  can be found partying and tripping on the dance floor  to the drum and base beat (shirtless and flaunting their six packs, great America) at Gay Days, you don’t have to be Einstein, baby, to see that Pope Ben is flipping out.

Benedict XVI (or as he will properly be known in American human rights circles, Benedict Arnold II) is guilt tripping on  internalized self loathing  and bumping and grinding to the drumbeat of the ideology of the Nazi party of his youth. “No blacks no Jews and no gays.” No if and or but for the grace of God there go I.

But what do I know? I’m just a boy standing in front of a Pope asking him to love me. ( I’ll follow you around until you love me, Papa, Papanazi.)

Good thing I refuse to kneel.

TheBestDressedList.com

TomKolovos.com

August 24, 2009

Donald Trump Presents: “I’d Like to Hit That (When Melania Isn’t Watching)”


tom_kolovos_wordpressnewChris Rock once joked that as a father you have  only two responsibilities: to keep your son from winding up on the (crack) pipe and your daughter from winding up on the (stripper) pole.

After last nite, I would add a third:  keep your daughter away from winding up on Donald Trump‘s “Miss Universe Pageant.”

Billy Bush was the host of the festivities broadcast live (sort of) from the Bahamas. His main function was to  repeatedly remind us that contestants would be sporting some of the hottest bathing suits. Ever. OMG!

All buttoned up in an ill fitting tux, he kept promising us  repeatedly that “lots of skin” would be on display.

He wasn’t kidding. To fill time as the top 15 contestants changed into their suits, we were treated to a photo shoot of contestants in (perhaps the tackiest of) string bikinis. While Flo Rida came out to perform, bikini clad contestants who were not lucky enough to make it into the top 15 were lucky enough to be made to sashay behind him, in the manner of what used to be disparagingly called “a video ho” on MTV. Now on NBC, it’s apparently simply called “competing for the crown.”

[picapp src=”e/f/1/6/Miss_Venezuela_Stefania_24fa.JPG?adImageId=4846903&imageId=6164899″ width=”380″ height=”488″ /]After the contestants were winnowed down to the top 10, based on their “fitness,” we were  finally treated to a synopsis of their inner life, whilst they stood there …..in their string bikinis.

Billy’s pithy revelations were limited to their ages and  their hobbies, which were almost exclusively limited to  exercising, shopping and watching reality television. Really? At least in the  pre-feminist 70’s, pageant organizers wanted us to know so much more about the contestants, including their measurements and favorite color (peach used to be the most common, as I recall).

It is difficult to walk away from the telecast last nite without thinking that the “pageant” should be properly retitled Donald Trump Presents:  I’d Like to Hit That (When Melania Isn’t Watching).” The top 15 we were told were chosen by an (unnamed) panel of judges and by representatives from the “Donald Trump organization.”

Hmm. When we were introduced to the judges who were actually going to pick the winner, I couldn’t help but wonder what qualification any of them had to pick the winner of, well, anything.

Some of the judges (both male and female) were downright creepy in that sex trafficking sort of way. And because, unlike the Miss America pageant, the Miss  USA/Universe pageant has never  bothered to add the pretense that it is a scholarship competition in which some (dubious) talent is involved, sex–sorry, skin– is all it can traffic in.

Also notable in the skin department was the train wreck music debut of Heidi Montag, which painfully recalled  Britney Spears’ appearance on the MTV Music Awards a few interventions back. And then there was the irrefutable evidence that makeup artists, hairdressers and stylists  have been terribly unkind to Kelly Rowland since she stopped singing backup for Beyonce.

Oh, it turns out Miss Venezuela won the title, even though Miss Dominican Republic was by far the most stunning and beautifully dressed of all the contestants this year. She had to settle for runner up.

I, simply, better settle down.

TheBestDressedList.com

November 15, 2008

2008 IN REVIEW: The Year in Color

IN FASHION :
Grey is the new black.
IN RETAIL:
Everyone’s got the blues.
IN POLITICS:
Black is the new white. Red states are now the new blue states.
IN CALIFORNIA:
Gays got played by the Mormon Church and by the black vote and are now singing the blues.
IN CELEBRITY ADOPTIONS:
African orphans are the new ralphlaurenpaint.com
IN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION:
Two white women nearly made history running for the White House. One of them was actually qualified.
IN SUBLIMATION:
Elitist is now the correct term for uppity negro.
IN THE LYNN CHENEY “MY DAUGHTER IS NOT A LESBIAN” TRADITION:
White political candidates who believe in Virgin Birth still believe in teaching their children–and yours– that abstinence is an effective form of contraception till they’re blue in the face.
IN ROMANCE:
Among those folks for whom shotgun weddings for expectant white teens are all the rage, gay weddings between consenting adults still make them see red.
IN FINANCE:
“In the red” is the new “in the black.”
IN MUSIC:
Pink is red hot.
IN PHARMACEUTICALS:
Pfizer turns blue to green with sustainable wood. VIVA VIAGRA!