Posts tagged ‘kobe bryant’

April 22, 2011

The rich and famous put on Easter one egg at a time (or, The Politics of Blasphemy)

Donald Trump–“I want to see the death certificate. Isn’t it more than a bit suspicious that the date of his death changes every year? I’ve spared no expense putting private investigators on the case.”

Lindsey Lohan–“There’s a security camera video of me walking out of the store wearing The Cross?”

Donald Trump–“LET ME FINISH. Yes, I used to be pro choice and against the death penalty. But the more I came to understand Easter, the more I became pro life and for the death penalty. NEXT QUESTION.”

Barack Obama–“My base, my base, why have you forsaken me?”

Michelle Bachmann–“My fellow Iowans let us rejoice on this day, for we Christians celebrate the resurrection of The Easter Bunny.”

Kim Kardashian— “I got nailed one long hot weekend in East LA by a guy named Jesus. I’ve been nailed by more guys than drywall, but I thought Jesus was special. He kept moaning ‘today you will be with me in paradise.’ I never saw him again after that Sunday. Whatever.”

Nate Berkus— “I’m the first openly gay male talk-show host.  Who but Tom Kolovos would ever interpret that as a slam against Anderson Cooper? I know for a fact that up until I started this embarrassing, poorly rated and often ridiculed  talk show of mine, Tom thought I was one of the very few openly gay men on television to comport himself with any dignity. Apparently he no longer feels that way. Now if you will excuse me, I need to do a segment on how to use Easter as an excuse to make you repaint your house in pastels with Behr paint. Anything for a buck, right?

Julie Taymore–“It is finished.”

Rick Santorum–“If everybody followed Christ’s example, we wouldn’t even need Medicare and Social Security. The Bible makes it clear that Easter is about cutting entitlement programs and reducing the deficit.”

Mel Gibson— “Listen Mary, you f***ing whore, you’re an embarrassment to me. You look like a f—ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n—ers, it will be your fault.”

Charlie Sheen— “Some Jews nailed a guy to a cross? Welcome to Hollywood, my friend.”

Jesus–“If Charlie Sheen rises again before I do, I’m gonna be really pissed.”

Kobe Bryant—  “I never put all my eggs in one basket, you f***ing faggot.”

Pope Benedict XVI–“And to those of you in America who  have strayed from the teachings, I say to you the story of Jesus and Judas proves that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ worked for some 33 years. The Catholic Church can prove that it works for a lot longer than that.”

Rahm Emanuel–“To all you that gave up liquor for Lent, I say come to Chicago on May 16th for my swearing in ceremony as Mayor. It will be sponsored by EFFEN Vodka.”

John Galliano— “Bartender, one more round for the ugly lady.”

Oprah–“It is finished.”

John Edwards–“This would be a good time to remind everybody that I’m not the first man to ask another to pretend to be the father of his child. The other time would be around Christmas. See, we do live in two Americas!”

Ricky Gervais–(The Easter Bunny, unlike Tim Allen, has a wicked sense of humor.)

Donald Trump–I’M NOT FINISHED. What gives Obama the right to question anyone about my integrity and the business history of the Trump Tower in Chicago? Ivanka take him down, baby. Treat him like a buyer at the height of the market. Look him in the eye. You know our motto, no crisis big enough that the Donald can’t solve by looking someone in the eye. WE’RE FINISHED HERE, CURIOUS GEORGE.”

Greg Mortenson–“I was there with the 12 Apostles and Mary Magdalene and the whole gang. Really. I  wrote about it in my new book  3  Cups of Warranty Not Included.”

Lady Gaga releases her new single. “I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel, but I’m still in love with Judas.”

The Easter Bunny will be on sabbatical until next year, depending on what religious calendar you follow. He can live with himself everyday and hams it up by laying green eggs.

Related post: “Bad Reputation” and Stewie Rah Rah, the #1 king of fun

April 15, 2011

Educating Kobe

aCS Blog: The Sports Bank–Paul Banks

When I first heard that Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant mouthed a homophobic slur in the middle of a national game broadcast, and you know which word it was, all I could think of was a scene from the 2009 film “The Hangover.”

The scene comes just minutes after this line of monologue: “Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don’t, but do me a favor: don’t text me, it’s gay.”

Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil Wenneck: [yells from outside] PAGING DR. FAGGOT. DR. FAGGOT!
Stu Price: I should go.
Melissa: That’s a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
(Watch the  video)

Phil’s character, and the film in general, connected with such a wide audience because this cartoonish meat head is so true to life.  And Kobe, a role model to many young men, is no better.

But he’s hardly alone.

Michael Jordan, the superstar of NBA superstars, was known to drop a few f-bombs (and I’m not talking about the word that rhymes with truck) in practice during his days with the Chicago Bulls but was never caught publicly. Plenty of other NBA players, ex-players and their fans are no strangers to the that same bomb. Experts on diversity and tolerance have expressed to the media their belief that this instance further signifies that “locker room talk” is “the last bastion of homophobia in this country.”

Bryant was fined $100,000, a decision Bryant said he will appeal. Bryant later issued a statement saying that this outburst was a product of frustration and did not reflect his feelings toward gays. If that’s actually true, then he needs to do a PSA in the same vein as Hilary Duff and Wanda Sykes.

“A lot of people are condemning Kobe for this, but it is language that a lot of men use in our society without knowing what it really means and how ignorant and hurtful it is,” says Jarred Chin of the Society for the Study of Sport in Society at Northeastern University in Boston. Chin is further quoted in the Christian Science Monitor. “When you use that word … you are calling out that person to prove that they are really a man, and to do that, they have to assert it through physical violence.”

Not exactly the best association for a basketball player who was once brought up on rape and assault charges.

Kobe’s public persona aside, he’s only just one troglodyte. He’s a very high profile person using language that’s stuck in the cave, but he’s still one guy. There are recent examples of athletes and fans who are setting the opposite example and giving reason for optimism.

Look first at Brian Sims, a very successful division II college football star. He came out during the season; and his teammates embraced him. Read our three-part interview, to learn more about how many people have been inspired by his courageous example. Then look at the fact that The Stanley Cup made an appearance in last summer’s Pride Parade. Finally, there’s Jerry Pritikin, nicknamed the “Gay Forrest Gump,” or as I call him “the most interesting Cubs fan in the world.”

When will see an openly gay athlete in one of the three major professional sports? Probably not for a while yet; but progress is being made. The outrage and national dialogue Kobe’s remarks have stirred, is, I think, progress.  Will this incident  outrage one of the many closeted players to come out publicly?

Paul M. Banks is a member of  Football Writers Association of America, United States Basketball Writers Association, Society of Professional Journalists, a regular contributor to FOX News and CEO of The Sports