Posts tagged ‘kim kardashian’

May 2, 2011

OSAMA BIN LADEN IS KILLED BY CIA

“MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED

BIN LADEN’S BODY BURIED AT SEA.

DONALD TRUMP DEMANDS LONG FORM DEATH CERTIFICATE.

State of New York to issue long form death certificate for Donald Trump’s political career.

Republican 2012 Presidential field reportedly on life support.

Michelle Bachmann left speechless. Doctors to perform CT scan live on C-Span.

Former President George W. Bush once again urges all Americans to go shopping.

Sarah Palin to complain.

Kim Kardashian plans release party in Pakistan for new sex tape “Taxi Cab Concessions” .

Search for Lindbergh baby resumes in Malibu, Bel Air and The Hamptons.


April 22, 2011

The rich and famous put on Easter one egg at a time (or, The Politics of Blasphemy)

Donald Trump–“I want to see the death certificate. Isn’t it more than a bit suspicious that the date of his death changes every year? I’ve spared no expense putting private investigators on the case.”

Lindsey Lohan–“There’s a security camera video of me walking out of the store wearing The Cross?”

Donald Trump–“LET ME FINISH. Yes, I used to be pro choice and against the death penalty. But the more I came to understand Easter, the more I became pro life and for the death penalty. NEXT QUESTION.”

Barack Obama–“My base, my base, why have you forsaken me?”

Michelle Bachmann–“My fellow Iowans let us rejoice on this day, for we Christians celebrate the resurrection of The Easter Bunny.”

Kim Kardashian— “I got nailed one long hot weekend in East LA by a guy named Jesus. I’ve been nailed by more guys than drywall, but I thought Jesus was special. He kept moaning ‘today you will be with me in paradise.’ I never saw him again after that Sunday. Whatever.”

Nate Berkus— “I’m the first openly gay male talk-show host.  Who but Tom Kolovos would ever interpret that as a slam against Anderson Cooper? I know for a fact that up until I started this embarrassing, poorly rated and often ridiculed  talk show of mine, Tom thought I was one of the very few openly gay men on television to comport himself with any dignity. Apparently he no longer feels that way. Now if you will excuse me, I need to do a segment on how to use Easter as an excuse to make you repaint your house in pastels with Behr paint. Anything for a buck, right?

Julie Taymore–“It is finished.”

Rick Santorum–“If everybody followed Christ’s example, we wouldn’t even need Medicare and Social Security. The Bible makes it clear that Easter is about cutting entitlement programs and reducing the deficit.”

Mel Gibson— “Listen Mary, you f***ing whore, you’re an embarrassment to me. You look like a f—ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n—ers, it will be your fault.”

Charlie Sheen— “Some Jews nailed a guy to a cross? Welcome to Hollywood, my friend.”

Jesus–“If Charlie Sheen rises again before I do, I’m gonna be really pissed.”

Kobe Bryant—  “I never put all my eggs in one basket, you f***ing faggot.”

Pope Benedict XVI–“And to those of you in America who  have strayed from the teachings, I say to you the story of Jesus and Judas proves that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ worked for some 33 years. The Catholic Church can prove that it works for a lot longer than that.”

Rahm Emanuel–“To all you that gave up liquor for Lent, I say come to Chicago on May 16th for my swearing in ceremony as Mayor. It will be sponsored by EFFEN Vodka.”

John Galliano— “Bartender, one more round for the ugly lady.”

Oprah–“It is finished.”

John Edwards–“This would be a good time to remind everybody that I’m not the first man to ask another to pretend to be the father of his child. The other time would be around Christmas. See, we do live in two Americas!”

Ricky Gervais–(The Easter Bunny, unlike Tim Allen, has a wicked sense of humor.)

Donald Trump–I’M NOT FINISHED. What gives Obama the right to question anyone about my integrity and the business history of the Trump Tower in Chicago? Ivanka take him down, baby. Treat him like a buyer at the height of the market. Look him in the eye. You know our motto, no crisis big enough that the Donald can’t solve by looking someone in the eye. WE’RE FINISHED HERE, CURIOUS GEORGE.”

Greg Mortenson–“I was there with the 12 Apostles and Mary Magdalene and the whole gang. Really. I  wrote about it in my new book  3  Cups of Warranty Not Included.”

Lady Gaga releases her new single. “I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel, but I’m still in love with Judas.”

The Easter Bunny will be on sabbatical until next year, depending on what religious calendar you follow. He can live with himself everyday and hams it up by laying green eggs.

Related post: “Bad Reputation” and Stewie Rah Rah, the #1 king of fun

April 3, 2011

Strange bedfellows

Did you know that having affairs and unprotected sex is patriotic?

It is if you are potential Republican presidential canditates Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum.

When asked to reflect on how the fact that he had cheated on both his first and second wives might affect his chances with conservative voters if he chose to run for president in 2012,  the now thrice married Gingrich responded:

“There is no question that at times in my life partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard, and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

Gingrich was working hard having one of those affairs while he was spearheading fellow patriot Bill Clinton’s impeachment. This would mean that at the time Monica Lewinsky was running around her condo screaming “Out, out damn spot,” Newt was running around on his wife by hitting his girlfriend’s G spot.

This brings us to Mr. Santorum, who this week blamed “abortion culture” for the problems with funding Social Security. You never thought of that? Well, Rick, whose first name is often misspelled because the P is silent, did.

And so did Randall K. O’Bannon, director of education and research for the National Right to Life, who supported Santorum’s connection between abortions and Social Security payments. The Los Angeles Times reports:

“The loss of 53 million innocent lives is tragedy enough,” O’Bannon said, referring to the number of abortions since 1973. “But in allowing this to happen, we have also brought serious social and economic consequences on ourselves, not only depriving ourselves of the energy, the industry, and the ideas of those we have aborted, but also eliminating a significant portion of the tax base that funds government programs like Social Security and Medicare. You can’t lose 53 million lives and not expect it to have a serious economic impact.”

Not to mention how much tax revenue has been lost because Maury Povich could have been charging much higher ad rates to personal injury attorneys and trade schools. No wonder the Bible forbids a man from spilling his own seed. No wonder the Pope disapproves of birth control. No wonder Kim Kardashian is trying to get nailed by more guys than drywall. It’s about the economy stupid.

Well, Mr. Reagan, you almost had it right.

It’s moaning in America.

April 2, 2011

Mario Testino photographs Anna Wintour

Have you seen a contemporary portrait–one that captures the very essence of a subject’s public persona– that is better than this one? I don’t think I have.

And I don’t think one exists. Unless you count the Anna Wintour produced Annie Leibovitz portrait of Donald and Melania Trump for Vogue in  April 2006. Below is a photo of the portrait but you can click here and see both the entire shot and the closeups.  You can also see the shot on MelaniaTrump.com

The Kim Kardashian sex tape, the portrait should remind you, was amateur porn. What’s on display here is professional porn. Do not try this at home.



Read the accompanying WSJ article “The Business of Being Anna” by Joshua Levine here.

Related Post: “Donald Trump Presents I’d Like To Hit That When Melania Isn’t Watching.”

February 22, 2011

Congressman:Turn Off The Dark (or What a Wicked Web We Weave)


Note to the producers of Spider-man: Turn Off The Dark

How disheartening it must be for you to have put on a $65 million dollar musical and have the critics universally trash it. “As directed by Julie Taymor, who wrote the show’s book with Glen Berger, and featuring songs by U2’s Bono and the Edge, “Spider-Man” is not only the most expensive musical ever to hit Broadway; it may also rank among the worst,” wrote Ben Brantley.

I mean, the people responsible for the film versions managed to turn them into one of the most lucrative movie franchises of all time, but you came up with something which Peter Marks of  The Washington Post noted:

“The 8-year-old boys in the audience might be able to key on the Cirque du Soleil-style stunts on wires and video-game graphic elements, and probably not worry too much that Spider-Man is a tangle of disjointed concepts, scenes and musical sequences that suggests its more appropriate home would be off a highway in Orlando. Come to think of it, the optimal audience might be non-English-speaking.” 

It must also be disheartening to learn that for all the similar pre-production skepticism that accompanied  the premiere of “Anna Nicole”–yes, as in tabloid trainwreck Smith–  in London, “it proved a weirdly inspired work, an engrossing, outrageous, entertaining and, ultimately, deeply moving new opera,”  according to Anthony Tommasini in The New York Times. “This was an improbable triumph for Covent Garden.”

Clearly you need some help and I’m here to help. Scrap the incoherent everything and start from scratch. I propose to you:

CONGRESSMAN

Turn Off The Dark

It’s the story of New York congressman Chris Lee, a 46 year old married father( pictured, left)  and his  web alter ego lobbyist Chris Lee, a divorced  and buff 39 year old (pictured, right).

Lobbyist Chris fights his arch nemesis unprepossesing, mendacity prone CL Man by sending shirtless photos of himself to a woman  on Craigslist who implores in song: “Will someone prove to me not all CL men look like toads?”

By day congressman Chris is a family man and one of the 50 richest members of Congress. The lobbyist Chris fancies himself a “fit, fun and classy guy” who promises “not to disappoint.”  By night lobbyist Chris battles CL Man who frustrates his mission to meet only  the hot gullible women without access to Google  and who populate the  “women seeking men” ads on the web.  Cue the production number  “She was not as advertised,”  a lament in which lobbyist Chris details the pain caused him by dishonest damsels who got caught in his web.

Meanwhile, in a flashback sequence, congressman Chris, on the campaign trail, lectures teenagers against the dangers of using the web and social media inappropriately: “responding to what may seem like a friendly e-mail or an appealing marketing offer can have serious consequences. Private information and images can so easily be transmitted to friends and strangers alike.”

It turns out to be prescient advice. Cue the dancing algorithms which fly atop the audience in high tech harnesses.

Clearly, at the heart of the story is the  how  this man–and by implication all of us– can use social media to create  any number of new realities, the search for the meaning of it all– or just a cheap thrill–  just an engine search away. What is identity, authenticity and privacy in the vast darkness of the new frontier of the web?

The production will also feature the Queen of reality television Kim Kardashian, about whom Lynn Hirschberg has written “can’t sing, act, or dance but she’s found the role of a lifetime playing herself.” (Tony nomination anyone?)

Ms. Kardashian will appear in a parallel storyline in which she plays a vixen who  continuously complains that she doesn’t want to be famous for taking off her clothes but just can’t stop herself from doing exactly that at every opportunity. Her character will be known as “The Lying Queen.”

And since you still don’t have a showstopping number to end the show, no need to further humiliate Bono and The Edge to come up with yet another listless one. They’ve already written the perfect song long ago. It begins:

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for