Posts tagged ‘john edwards’

April 22, 2011

The rich and famous put on Easter one egg at a time (or, The Politics of Blasphemy)

Donald Trump–“I want to see the death certificate. Isn’t it more than a bit suspicious that the date of his death changes every year? I’ve spared no expense putting private investigators on the case.”

Lindsey Lohan–“There’s a security camera video of me walking out of the store wearing The Cross?”

Donald Trump–“LET ME FINISH. Yes, I used to be pro choice and against the death penalty. But the more I came to understand Easter, the more I became pro life and for the death penalty. NEXT QUESTION.”

Barack Obama–“My base, my base, why have you forsaken me?”

Michelle Bachmann–“My fellow Iowans let us rejoice on this day, for we Christians celebrate the resurrection of The Easter Bunny.”

Kim Kardashian— “I got nailed one long hot weekend in East LA by a guy named Jesus. I’ve been nailed by more guys than drywall, but I thought Jesus was special. He kept moaning ‘today you will be with me in paradise.’ I never saw him again after that Sunday. Whatever.”

Nate Berkus— “I’m the first openly gay male talk-show host.  Who but Tom Kolovos would ever interpret that as a slam against Anderson Cooper? I know for a fact that up until I started this embarrassing, poorly rated and often ridiculed  talk show of mine, Tom thought I was one of the very few openly gay men on television to comport himself with any dignity. Apparently he no longer feels that way. Now if you will excuse me, I need to do a segment on how to use Easter as an excuse to make you repaint your house in pastels with Behr paint. Anything for a buck, right?

Julie Taymore–“It is finished.”

Rick Santorum–“If everybody followed Christ’s example, we wouldn’t even need Medicare and Social Security. The Bible makes it clear that Easter is about cutting entitlement programs and reducing the deficit.”

Mel Gibson— “Listen Mary, you f***ing whore, you’re an embarrassment to me. You look like a f—ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n—ers, it will be your fault.”

Charlie Sheen— “Some Jews nailed a guy to a cross? Welcome to Hollywood, my friend.”

Jesus–“If Charlie Sheen rises again before I do, I’m gonna be really pissed.”

Kobe Bryant—  “I never put all my eggs in one basket, you f***ing faggot.”

Pope Benedict XVI–“And to those of you in America who  have strayed from the teachings, I say to you the story of Jesus and Judas proves that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ worked for some 33 years. The Catholic Church can prove that it works for a lot longer than that.”

Rahm Emanuel–“To all you that gave up liquor for Lent, I say come to Chicago on May 16th for my swearing in ceremony as Mayor. It will be sponsored by EFFEN Vodka.”

John Galliano— “Bartender, one more round for the ugly lady.”

Oprah–“It is finished.”

John Edwards–“This would be a good time to remind everybody that I’m not the first man to ask another to pretend to be the father of his child. The other time would be around Christmas. See, we do live in two Americas!”

Ricky Gervais–(The Easter Bunny, unlike Tim Allen, has a wicked sense of humor.)

Donald Trump–I’M NOT FINISHED. What gives Obama the right to question anyone about my integrity and the business history of the Trump Tower in Chicago? Ivanka take him down, baby. Treat him like a buyer at the height of the market. Look him in the eye. You know our motto, no crisis big enough that the Donald can’t solve by looking someone in the eye. WE’RE FINISHED HERE, CURIOUS GEORGE.”

Greg Mortenson–“I was there with the 12 Apostles and Mary Magdalene and the whole gang. Really. I  wrote about it in my new book  3  Cups of Warranty Not Included.”

Lady Gaga releases her new single. “I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel, but I’m still in love with Judas.”

The Easter Bunny will be on sabbatical until next year, depending on what religious calendar you follow. He can live with himself everyday and hams it up by laying green eggs.

Related post: “Bad Reputation” and Stewie Rah Rah, the #1 king of fun

February 4, 2010

What could happen if gays were allowed to serve openly in the miltary

John Phillips could be heard from beyond the grave: “Dude, you’re completely crossing the line.” Middle schoolers  could collectively be heard muttering to themselves: “Dude, that’s so gay.”

The dude to whom they could justifiably be referring  is Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia who, despite the recommendation of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff  Admiral Mike Mullen that the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy should be eliminated, opposes allowing gays to serve openly in the military.  Senator Chamblis  thinks that eliminating the military’s  restriction on homosexuality as a condition of service in the 21st century could put us but steps away from a brave new world of  “alcohol use, adultery, fraternization and body art.”

Really? This from a member of the party of Bush who spent 8 years with a guy named Dick on his ass.  Sure, you might expect a more sophisticated world view from a guy in the US Senate than from the guys on ” Jersey Shore” but the situation reveals that Saxby may know more about Snooky than he knows about nookie.

Not that the Senator needs my help, but here’s a more comprehensive but still incomplete list of social undoings that could result from repealing don’t ask, don’t tell:

Your Toyota could suddenly accelerate for no reason

A black man could become president

Taylor Swift could win a Grammy

John McCain could marry an heiress to an alcohol distribution fortune

John Edwards could make a sex tape of himself making love to his pregnant mistress before he repeatedly denies to his terminally ill cancer stricken wife that he was the father of the baby

Men who have posed naked as a centerfold for Cosmopolitan magazine could be elected to the US Senate

Sandra Bullock could win an acting award

Sarah Palin may become John McCain’s running mate after being found on You Tube and vetted on Google, all in the span of two weeks

Women who look like they didn’t make the cut to be onstage as The Pussycat Dolls  could find themselves in consort with Tiger Woods

John Edwards could take the word of a woman, who is unproblematically willing to have sex with a married millionaire, that he doesn’t have to use a condom because she’s incapable of getting pregnant

John Mayer could complain that he is not getting enough sex and extol the theraputic powers of masturbation while posing on various magazine covers showcasing his tattoos

Timothy Geithner , Larry Summers and Ben Bernake could actually be in bed with the financial institutions they are supposed to be regulating

Rihanna could suffer a brutal beating from Chris Brown, leave him, go back to him, leave him for good because she wants to be a role model for young girls, pose naked for the cover of GQ, get a few more tattoos  and then release the  single  “So Hard,” the video for which looks like a trailer to  Chi Chi La Rue high concept porn

The Northern Ireland brokered peace agreement, decades in the making, could be at peril because the 61 year old wife of of one of the political leaders may have a torrid seven month affair with a dead family friend’s 19 year old son and then fail to report that she and her husband funneled about $80,000 to the young man to open a coffee shop/internet cafe

ABC financial news correspondent Bianna Golodryga could become at least the third woman with poor judgment to jump into the bed of  Peter Orszag, the Director of the Office of Management and Budget, who is being sued by his first wife for non payment of the divorce settlement as he simultaneously becomes engaged to Ms Golodryga before the pregnant ex girlfriend he promised to marry gives birth to his fourth child

Sarah Palin’s new  curly updo hairstyle could resemble that of Jethrine on “The Beverly Hillbilies”

Your Toyota could make other Toyota owners  very uncomfortable especially if you’re in such close proximity that they can see yours coming up the rear

US Senators who pretend to shower the masses with the naked truth could be more careful about bending over to pick up the soapbox they want to stand on

TomKolovos.com

October 8, 2009

Penis and Serena

It’s a new game and we’re playing with new balls people.

After a year of poking around the the personal lives of  John Ensign, John Edwards, Jon “plus eight” Gosselin and the other johns, Mark Sanford, Eliot Spitzer and David Letterman, it’s almost impossible to believe that straight married guys have any willpower to keep it in their pants.

Levi Johnson, Sarah Palin’s once potential future ex son in law, is refreshingly making no bones about it and, with  a “you can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig” humility, he officially announced today what was long rumored: he will pose naked for Playgirl.

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The announcement comes just as Serena Williams, the woman who declared at the 2009 US Open “there’s no dynasty without nasty,” is to appear nude on the cover of the “body issue” of  ESPN magazine.

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The aptly named Mr Johnson, you’ll remember, rose to prominence as the lesson-learned-the-hard- way  comeuppence to  hockey moms who simultaneously believe in immaculate conception and teaching your children that abstinence is a foolproof method of birth control.

He’s already posed shirtless whilst diapering his baby for GQmagazine. He’s escorted Kathy Griffin to an awards show, thus positioning himself, so to speak, to the gay marketplace.  So what’s  the big deal about extending his 15 minutes of fame and palling around with his “nothing comes between us and our Levi” fanbase, especially when the cold hard truth is he was “going rogue” way before all those posers hit the scene?

At least he’s got enough of a good head on his shoulders to acknowledge that, in his own still evolving first act of Going Rogue, no one will be reading the articles.

Sure, he’s hired a trainer and is spending 3 hours a day in the gym to prepare his body for public scrutiny, but that pales in comparison to Sarah Palin’s tough call to hire the co-author of a white supremacist’s book to ghostwrite her own book. What’s more salacious, posing nude or naked ambition?

Advantage Mr Johnson.

TheBestDressedList.com