Posts tagged ‘heidi montag’

March 10, 2010

*Heidi Montag, Financial Advisor.

Yesterday, on ABC’s “Good Morning America,” Melanie Hobson gave parents the preposterous advice to give their children a credit card at age 16, under the guise that they could use the 2 years before they turn 18 and leave home to teach them responsible charging habits.

Funny thing Melanie, you mean  your advice has nothing to do with the new laws that will restrict marketing credit cards to teens and college students and therefore cut into the outrageous profits of banks that prey on young adults? One solution to your industy’s problems? Lower the qualification age of the victims! Thanks for the completely objective advice, Melanie.  Financial pedophelia is really a great idea! No, I mean, really, thank you sooo much.

While we’re at it, let’s lower the drinking age to 14, the age of consent to 12. Parents could use the extra time there, too, don’t you think?

Melanie Hobson is only but one industry hack who masquerades as a consumer advocate on televison. Remember how Barbara Corcoran, the real estate maven on “The Today Show,” was urging people to buy real estate at the height of the bubble? And let’s not get started on Jim Cramer.

So when the credentialed “experts” are part of the problem, it’s not so much of a stretch to turn to Heidi Montag for financial advice.

It may actually be the wise thing to do.

At least she’s got a brain in her surgically altered head, at least in this extremely funny Ron Howard directed clip for FunnyOrDie. com.

November 6, 2009


tom_kolovos_wordpressnewThis is an internet junk email joke that is just too good to not pass along, especially since the unemployment rate topped 10% today and we could all use a good laugh in these tough times. But don’t laugh too hard. This is pretty much the same way Sarah Palin got the 2008 Republican Vice Presidential nomination.

And considering reality TV couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have written a book entitled  “How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture,” consider yourselves lucky to be reading this instead!

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.



PS : Because my resimay is a bit short – below is a pickture of me.


Employer’s response:

Dear Bryan ,

It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check.

See you Monday.

August 24, 2009

Donald Trump Presents: “I’d Like to Hit That (When Melania Isn’t Watching)”

tom_kolovos_wordpressnewChris Rock once joked that as a father you have  only two responsibilities: to keep your son from winding up on the (crack) pipe and your daughter from winding up on the (stripper) pole.

After last nite, I would add a third:  keep your daughter away from winding up on Donald Trump‘s “Miss Universe Pageant.”

Billy Bush was the host of the festivities broadcast live (sort of) from the Bahamas. His main function was to  repeatedly remind us that contestants would be sporting some of the hottest bathing suits. Ever. OMG!

All buttoned up in an ill fitting tux, he kept promising us  repeatedly that “lots of skin” would be on display.

He wasn’t kidding. To fill time as the top 15 contestants changed into their suits, we were treated to a photo shoot of contestants in (perhaps the tackiest of) string bikinis. While Flo Rida came out to perform, bikini clad contestants who were not lucky enough to make it into the top 15 were lucky enough to be made to sashay behind him, in the manner of what used to be disparagingly called “a video ho” on MTV. Now on NBC, it’s apparently simply called “competing for the crown.”

[picapp src=”e/f/1/6/Miss_Venezuela_Stefania_24fa.JPG?adImageId=4846903&imageId=6164899″ width=”380″ height=”488″ /]After the contestants were winnowed down to the top 10, based on their “fitness,” we were  finally treated to a synopsis of their inner life, whilst they stood there … their string bikinis.

Billy’s pithy revelations were limited to their ages and  their hobbies, which were almost exclusively limited to  exercising, shopping and watching reality television. Really? At least in the  pre-feminist 70’s, pageant organizers wanted us to know so much more about the contestants, including their measurements and favorite color (peach used to be the most common, as I recall).

It is difficult to walk away from the telecast last nite without thinking that the “pageant” should be properly retitled Donald Trump Presents:  I’d Like to Hit That (When Melania Isn’t Watching).” The top 15 we were told were chosen by an (unnamed) panel of judges and by representatives from the “Donald Trump organization.”

Hmm. When we were introduced to the judges who were actually going to pick the winner, I couldn’t help but wonder what qualification any of them had to pick the winner of, well, anything.

Some of the judges (both male and female) were downright creepy in that sex trafficking sort of way. And because, unlike the Miss America pageant, the Miss  USA/Universe pageant has never  bothered to add the pretense that it is a scholarship competition in which some (dubious) talent is involved, sex–sorry, skin– is all it can traffic in.

Also notable in the skin department was the train wreck music debut of Heidi Montag, which painfully recalled  Britney Spears’ appearance on the MTV Music Awards a few interventions back. And then there was the irrefutable evidence that makeup artists, hairdressers and stylists  have been terribly unkind to Kelly Rowland since she stopped singing backup for Beyonce.

Oh, it turns out Miss Venezuela won the title, even though Miss Dominican Republic was by far the most stunning and beautifully dressed of all the contestants this year. She had to settle for runner up.

I, simply, better settle down.