Posts tagged ‘healthcare reform’

March 28, 2010

Cialis in Wonderland

I had plenty of time to contemplate the change because the doctor was running an hour behind schedule.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that the  walls of the waiting room were no longer painted an antisceptic grey. They were now a calming warm sandy neutral.

It may be the case that it  seemed like an aesthetic improvement to my eye, simply because  I was there out of concern for my blood pressure, about which, to jump ahead, I had good reason to be concerned.

The walls of the examination room into which the nurse escorted me were also newly painted.  Oh, and look, the wallpaper border, finally, had been  mercifully removed. The changes were calming and welcome, no doubt about it. I was feeling a wee bit better already, despite the wait.

That feeling didn’t last long.

After the nurse made some small talk, took my vitals and left me to wait some more, it was hard not to miss the other change in my doctor’s office since my long overdue visit. The paper that covers the examination table was now covered with the Cialis logo.

“Cialis,” yes, the magic little orange pill that, as the extensive pamphlet on the desk next to the chair in which I was sitting put it, “is indicated for the treatment of erectile dysfunction.”

One pill, “36 hour Cialis is the only ED tablet that’s clinically proven to both work fast, in as little as 30 minutes for some men, and work up to 36 hours.”

The other pill, “Cialis for daily use is clinically, proven low-dose tablet for ED you take every day so you can be ready anytime the moment is right.”

No pressure, guy trapped in examining room alone with reading material. And try not to think of your high blood pressure which, you soon will be told,  is most likely caused by your stressful family life– which in turn might leave little time or desire to “anticipate sexual activity.”

I’m almost sure there was no music being piped overhead but I’m quite sure I had   the urge to sing along with ” target=”_self”>Toby Keith:
I ain’t as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time, back in my prime
When I could really lay it down
And if you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

My doctor’s office, I thought, would be a reasonable place to expect that nothing, let alone my masculinity, would be marketed to me. But there it was staring me in the face: Madison Avenue and Wall Street  pre-emptively looking out for the little big man’s exile on Main Street.

I certainly didn’t need a visit to the doctor’s office to be reminded that advertisers,  have uncovered the sudden dereliction of  American masculinity and have quite benevolently made it their mission to help restore it.

It’s their gift–with purchase, of course–to me and to men anywhere near a television, computer or magazine.

Apparently, the ladies think I  stink at being a man. “Smell like a man, man,” warns Old Spice. “Anything is possible when your man smells like a man and not like a lady.”

Old Spice advertisement
– Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

And I don’t even know what it takes to be  a man, anyway. “Wash like a man, feel like man,” promises Gillette with it’s “Odor Shield” shower gel.

I don’t dress like one. “Wear the pants,” insists Dockers.

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I kowtow for money and romance. I don’t stand up for myself. No matter, though. I am what I drive. Dodge Charger is “Man’s last stand.”

And if all else fails, Calvin Klein X underwear assures me I can prove to you that I’m a man. Wanna see?

Mark your spot and  dummy up.

“Smart may have the brains, but stupid has the balls. Be stupid,” advises the current Diesel campaign ad.

Who knew I was too smart for my own good? That’s probably why my blood pressure is high.

This downward economy  has disproportionately affected male workers. We now have  an educational system where girls  get the best grades and most of the college degrees. And we live in a culture where it’s not unusual that dad may likely stay home with the kids while mom is the primary breadwinner.

Madison Avenue is betting that my masculinity is vulnerably bluefaced and fair game for the bottom line. “I see you,” it tells me not so naively.  Hop aboard  sexism and homophobia. This is a whole new world.

Which brings me back to Cialis and to the pamphlet which, as you might imagine, now has me by the balls.

“In the rare event of an erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical attention to avoid long-term injury.” Well, I probably wont be able to afford to see the doctor again, what with all the new purchases I have to make to be a real man.

I’ll just think of Liz Cheney. That should take care of the problem immediately.

“The most common side effects with Cialis were headaches and upset stomach.” Good to know that.  Suppose I ignored the warning  to “not drink alcohol in excess” and suddenly found myself on top of Glenn Beck.

Good to know that the cause of head spinning nausea might not be entirely his fault.

August 25, 2009

Why Michelle Obama descended Air Force One in shorts, white sneakers and hair undone

tom_kolovos_wordpressnewIt wasn’t Michelle Obama at all.

It was actually Meryl Streep playing Michelle Obama in the new movie “Michel and Michelle.”

It’s a breezy yet moody  psychological thriller about how the ghost of Michel Foucaultreads aloud, and in French, to Mrs. Obama from “The Birth of the Clinic,” his 1963 tract on the history of the medical profession, hoping to inform health care reform in 21st century America.

Reports have circulated that the filmakers, who also borrowed liberally from Foucault’s “Civilization and Madness”  and “The History of Sexuality,”  were forced by studio executives to compromise their artistic vision in order to make it accessible to a multiplex audience.

The footage  of Ms Streep descending Air Force One was actually part of the movie’s penultimate scene, which was leaked on YouTube, according to sources who refused to  be identified because they were not authorized to speak  by Lynn Cheney, whose daughter was “not a lesbian” before the 2000 election but was having sex with women during that time.

Sources  close to the production have disclosed that the film  begins where “The Crying Game” left off.  Ms Streep’s character discovers that her husband really doesn’t have the balls to take on the banking industry and  that as a consequence the White House is facing foreclosure. The ghost, to which her husband is oblivious, persuasively makes the case that the health care reform he seeks is unpopular  not because people are losing their minds but because people who have insurance are losing (or feel like they yet may lose) their homes.

In order to escape the French ghost which haunts her and  to protect her family from the deadly apathy of her husband’s economic team (which she finds in bed with the banking industry) she takes refuge in  the only other home a First Lady knows: Air Force One.

Thinking she is safe up at 30,000 feet after Harrison Ford kills the French philosopher’s ghost  with venomous snakes he and Samuel  Jackson find on board, she must still enlist the help of Jodie Foster and  wisecracking flight attendant/TSB agent Mo’Nique to hermetically seal Sasha and Malia (both of whom are played by Dakota Fanning) in one of the aircraft’s lavatories, away from an  overbearing Ikram Goldberg who is fiendishly spoiling the girls with boxes upon boxes of delicious candy colored  Crewcuts outfits.

After Ms Fanning drives Ikram mad by revealing that she is  both Mile High Cyrus and her alter ego Hanna Colorado, she retaliates against her mother and forces her to dress like Ms Foster’s  travel “companion.”   Eventually she takes pity on her mother and allows her to remove the Mellisa Etheridge concert baseball cap, which has now irrevocably messed up Ms Streep’s heretofore impeccably yet incomprehensibly appointed big hair.

The film reaches its climactic moment as Ms Streep forgives the girls and just as Air Force One lands at the Grand Canyon, where they all happily descend the aircraft, blithely unaware that the dreaded  Ikram has not been vanquished!

In an astonishing denouement–or more likely  a crass marketing setup for the sequel–the woman Sasha and Malia really drove mad was Sarah Jessica Parker, who had assembled an Ikram Goldberg disguise made out of the factory overruns from her “Bitten” collection (for the now defunct  Steve and Barry’s discount chain) and  about which she is still telling anyone who will listen that they were categorically not made in sweatshops.

Mrs Cheney did authorize sources to reveal that Ms Parker will be played in the film by Sally Field, circa 1979.

TheBestDressedList.com