aSC blog: Confessions of a Trophy Dad—Kevin Rudge
Any similarities to actual events and persons in my family are not coincidental. This story took place on Sunday, April 17, and Tuesday, April 19, 2011.
“You fucking son-of-a-bitch.” ~ George W. Bush, yelled at a Wall Street Journal political writer in 1986
A simple rule of thumb regarding children and swearing: if you don’t want your kids to curse, don’t ask them to.
I speak from experience.
Last week, I walked in from the garage to the shrill voices of my two youngest natives; they were restless in a hopped up on Skittles kind of way. In the few seconds it took to slip off my shoes and enter the kitchen, I gathered from their conversation with my wife Elizabeth that their excitement had something to do with Ira — my nemesis and our 5-year-old neighbor.
Lucy, my 5-year-old was the first to acknowledge my presence.
“Hey! What’s all the excitement about?” I said.
Jessie, my 9-year-old daughter, ran toward me yelling, “Ira swore! Ira swore!”
Ira swore? Yawn. Unfortunately, this in itself was nothing out of the ordinary; it was not the first, nor would it be the last time this cute, curly haired, year-round Croc wearing, sailor mouthed, little boy swore.
“Oh, really? Where?” I said, hoping the crime took place across property lines — giving me at least some jurisdiction in the matter.
“In our backyard!” Jessie said with a hint of glee in her voice.
Excellent. Okay, then. So, what was it? The “a” word, “s” word, “b” word? Or maybe even the queen-mother of obscenities, the “f” word; a possibility and not unprecedented.
“What did he say?”
Jessie took a deep breath and began to answer aloud, “You . . .”
Not wanting to further pique my 5-year-old’s fascination with the forbidden alphabet words, I stopped Jessie. “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whisper it to me.”
Jessie came closer as I bent down to allow for this very sensitive exchange. Jessie’s lips were lightly touching my ear as she whispered, “He said, ‘You. Fuck-ing. Son-of-a-bitch.’ ”
Oh Nelly! I wasn’t prepared to hear the actual words coming from Jessie’s mouth. Where was the alphabet filter? What happened to saying the “‘f’ word” and the “‘b’ word”? Or, the more sophisticated and learned “f-dash-dash-dash” and “b-dash-dash-dash-dash” words. Hell, a simple rhyme would have been perfectly acceptable as well.
“Jessie, don’t say the actual words!” I said, lightly scolding her.
“I didn’t! Ira did.”
“I know, but you repeated them.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yeah, you did. You just said exactly what Ira said.”
“But, you asked me to.”
Bucking son-of-a-stitch. The kid had a point.
“Okay, I know. But, I expected you would have said, you know, the ‘f’ word,’ or ‘b’ word, or something, without actually saying the ‘f’ word and ‘b’ word.”
“Ohhhhhh, okay,” She said smiling. I think realizing she had just gotten away with the kid equivalent to murder.
You would think I would have learned my lesson. Fast forward approximately 48-hours . . .
Having a twenty-minute respite from having to taxi Lauren to-and-from dance, I sat at the kitchen table eating leftover Chinese. In the family room and out of sight, but not sound, or mind, Lucy and Jessie watched the reality dance show, “Dancing with the Stars.”
Although personally not a fan, sadly, it is one of the few family oriented shows on primetime television. So I thought, that is until I heard a female voice — Chelsea to be exact — from the show say, too loudly and clearly, “I have to go work my ASS off.”
Whoa! Holy @#%$&! Batman!
I addressed the situation swiftly and succinctly.
“What?” I said.
Now, I clearly meant this “what” as a rhetorical you-know-what-I’m-talking-about-so-we-don’t-need-to-spell-it-out what. Unfortunately, the nuance of the rhetorical question was lost upon my five-year-old. She felt obliged to spell it out for me.
Lucy screamed, “SHE SAID ‘I HAVE TO GO WORK MY ASS OFF!’”
Damn. Okay. Yeah, I knew that. Really.
I chuckled to myself and thanked Lucy for the clarification. I then gathered myself and in my best stern dad voice said, “You know that’s a bad word, right?”
“What’s a bad word?” she said.
“You know, the ‘a’ word.”
Dammit, she said it again.
“Yes, and don’t say that word.”
“Okay,” Lucy said. “But you know she said ‘ass,’ not me.”
Oh boy, there’s that hairy word again.
“I know, but you just said it.” I said.
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.”
“No. I didn’t . . .”
“Okay, I know, I know, I know. Just don’t say the word she said again. It’s not an appropriate word. Got it?”
“I know Dad.”
“Good. Thank you.”
Cheese and Rice. (Jesus Christ)
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — [pauses] — shame on you. Fool me — [pauses] — you can’t get fooled again.” ~ President George W. Bush
Kevin Rudge is a stay-at-home dad of three girls and practicing trophy husband. He lives and writes from his home in suburban Chicago. More of his humorous observations and confessions can be found at MyDadDoesNotWork.com.
“The White House struggled to craft its account of the audacious raid that killed Osama bin Laden to both a jubilant American public and a skeptical Muslim world, correcting parts of its narrative, withholding others and hesitating to release photos that could be considered too provocative.”
“Conspiracy theorists around the world will just claim the photos are doctored anyway, and there is a real risk that releasing the photos will only serve to inflame public opinion in the Middle East,” Republican House Intelligence Committee Chairman Mike Rogers said Wednesday.
The leader of Apache warrior Geronimo’s tribe is asking President Barack Obama for a formal apology for the government’s use of the revered figure’s moniker as a code name for Osama bin Laden.
Fort Sill Apache Tribal Chairman Jeff Houser sent a letter to the president Tuesday, saying equating the legendary Apache warrior to a “mass murderer and cowardly terrorist” was painful and offensive to all Native Americans.
aCS blog: The Sports Bank—Paul Banks
Pittsburgh Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall has created a stir within the twitterverse and the NFL community with bizarre, off-the-wall comments on his official Twitter page regarding Sunday’s death of Osama Bin Laden.
The former Illinois Fighting Illini and Skokie, IL native tweeted to his 20,ooo followers Monday:
“What kind of person celebrates death? It’s amazing how people can HATE a man they have never even heard speak. We’ve only heard one side…”
Interesting take there, Shard. Defending a man who we’ve all heard speak. His speeches included a fatwa to kill all Americans, military or civilian: an advocacy of all Muslims to kill me, you, and all Americans. Innocent Americans.
So uhm, yeah, that’s why we hated OBL, because he urged his followers to kill all of us.
Shard followed that up with a tweet on his page, which describes himself as a “conversationalist” and “professional athlete,” that makes him sound an awful like a “9/11 was an inside job” conspiracy theorist.
“We’ll never know what really happened. I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style.”
Since their star tailback/conversationalist went rogue on them, The Steelers obviously felt compelled to act. On Tuesday, team president Art Rooney II released this statement:
“I have not spoken with Rashard, so it is hard to explain or even comprehend what he meant with his recent Twitter comments. The entire Steelers organization is very proud of the job our military personnel have done and we can only hope this leads to our troops coming home soon.”
Among Mendenhall’s other bin Laden tweets:
“I believe in God. I believe we’re ALL his children. And I believe HE is the ONE and ONLY judge.”
“Those who judge others, will also be judged themselves.”
“For those of you who said you want to see Bin Laden burn … I ask how would God feel about your heart?”
“There is not an ignorant bone in my body. I just encourage you to think.”
Mendenhall’s string of tweets ended around 5 p.m. Monday. He has not tweeted since.
The Steelers are one of the NFL’s most successful teams on the field, and one of the most popular brands across America. The firestorm against Mendenhall’s statements has only just begun. And in a right-wing, God-fearing, flag-waving bastion like the NFL, it’s only going to get worse; and quickly. He’ll need to issue a public apology and retraction soon, otherwise the backlash will only grow exponentially.
It doesn’t help that the NFL is shutdown on a lockout; there is very little for NFL fans to talk about these days. Rashard’s controversial statement just gave them water cooler fodder.
Oh, sorry. It’s a new book. Damn, I’m really disappointed.
Take a look at some of the photos here from the 10th anniversary issue of 10 Magazine shot last year by Cedric Buchet. Then you can fully appreciate how well Mr. Beckham cleans up, so to speak, when he showed up at the Royal Wedding, looking better than any man in public in recent memory.
Guys, take note. You can look like this around the house and in your garage, but your woman, and the world, might actually appreciate you in a great suit, a properly tied tie and a great haircut every now and then!
I just saw Mrs. Obama on “Oprah” wearing quite an “interesting” print dress by Duro Olowu.
My rule for prints is this: if you can’t describe the print, you shouldn’t be wearing it.
This is a graphic dot print dress. It’s a print that never goes out of style. David Szeto wrap dress, $995, Barneys New York.
“Truth be told, sister and maid of honor Pippa provided the only wow fashion moment. And I mean WOW, as in she completely upstaged the bride!” Tom Kolovos
Will you ever doubt me again? I dare you!
Yes, I said it. Yes, I said it first. Yes, I meant it. And yes, I’m here to represent it.
Just come back here for more astute fashion commentary and advice. Set a spell, Take your shoes off. Y’all come back now, y’hear?.
Tom Kolovos is Editor In Chief of aControlledSubstance.