Oh, sorry. It’s a new book. Damn, I’m really disappointed.
May 3, 2011
Betty White releases sex tape
May 2, 2011
OSAMA BIN LADEN IS KILLED BY CIA
“MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED
BIN LADEN’S BODY BURIED AT SEA.
DONALD TRUMP DEMANDS LONG FORM DEATH CERTIFICATE.
State of New York to issue long form death certificate for Donald Trump’s political career.
Republican 2012 Presidential field reportedly on life support.
Michelle Bachmann left speechless. Doctors to perform CT scan live on C-Span.
Former President George W. Bush once again urges all Americans to go shopping.
Sarah Palin to complain.
Kim Kardashian plans release party in Pakistan for new sex tape “Taxi Cab Concessions” .
Search for Lindbergh baby resumes in Malibu, Bel Air and The Hamptons.
April 22, 2011
The rich and famous put on Easter one egg at a time (or, The Politics of Blasphemy)
Donald Trump–“I want to see the death certificate. Isn’t it more than a bit suspicious that the date of his death changes every year? I’ve spared no expense putting private investigators on the case.”
Lindsey Lohan–“There’s a security camera video of me walking out of the store wearing The Cross?”
Donald Trump–“LET ME FINISH. Yes, I used to be pro choice and against the death penalty. But the more I came to understand Easter, the more I became pro life and for the death penalty. NEXT QUESTION.”
Barack Obama–“My base, my base, why have you forsaken me?”
Michelle Bachmann–“My fellow Iowans let us rejoice on this day, for we Christians celebrate the resurrection of The Easter Bunny.”
Kim Kardashian— “I got nailed one long hot weekend in East LA by a guy named Jesus. I’ve been nailed by more guys than drywall, but I thought Jesus was special. He kept moaning ‘today you will be with me in paradise.’ I never saw him again after that Sunday. Whatever.”
Nate Berkus— “I’m the first openly gay male talk-show host. Who but Tom Kolovos would ever interpret that as a slam against Anderson Cooper? I know for a fact that up until I started this embarrassing, poorly rated and often ridiculed talk show of mine, Tom thought I was one of the very few openly gay men on television to comport himself with any dignity. Apparently he no longer feels that way. Now if you will excuse me, I need to do a segment on how to use Easter as an excuse to make you repaint your house in pastels with Behr paint. Anything for a buck, right?
Julie Taymore–“It is finished.”
Rick Santorum–“If everybody followed Christ’s example, we wouldn’t even need Medicare and Social Security. The Bible makes it clear that Easter is about cutting entitlement programs and reducing the deficit.”
Mel Gibson— “Listen Mary, you f***ing whore, you’re an embarrassment to me. You look like a f—ing pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n—ers, it will be your fault.”
Charlie Sheen— “Some Jews nailed a guy to a cross? Welcome to Hollywood, my friend.”
Jesus–“If Charlie Sheen rises again before I do, I’m gonna be really pissed.”
Kobe Bryant— “I never put all my eggs in one basket, you f***ing faggot.”
Pope Benedict XVI–“And to those of you in America who have strayed from the teachings, I say to you the story of Jesus and Judas proves that ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ worked for some 33 years. The Catholic Church can prove that it works for a lot longer than that.”
Rahm Emanuel–“To all you that gave up liquor for Lent, I say come to Chicago on May 16th for my swearing in ceremony as Mayor. It will be sponsored by EFFEN Vodka.”
John Galliano— “Bartender, one more round for the ugly lady.”
Oprah–“It is finished.”
John Edwards–“This would be a good time to remind everybody that I’m not the first man to ask another to pretend to be the father of his child. The other time would be around Christmas. See, we do live in two Americas!”
Ricky Gervais–(The Easter Bunny, unlike Tim Allen, has a wicked sense of humor.)
Donald Trump–I’M NOT FINISHED. What gives Obama the right to question anyone about my integrity and the business history of the Trump Tower in Chicago? Ivanka take him down, baby. Treat him like a buyer at the height of the market. Look him in the eye. You know our motto, no crisis big enough that the Donald can’t solve by looking someone in the eye. WE’RE FINISHED HERE, CURIOUS GEORGE.”
Greg Mortenson–“I was there with the 12 Apostles and Mary Magdalene and the whole gang. Really. I wrote about it in my new book 3 Cups of Warranty Not Included.”
Lady Gaga releases her new single. “I’m just a Holy Fool, oh baby he’s so cruel, but I’m still in love with Judas.”
The Easter Bunny will be on sabbatical until next year, depending on what religious calendar you follow. He can live with himself everyday and hams it up by laying green eggs.
Related post: “Bad Reputation” and Stewie Rah Rah, the #1 king of fun
April 13, 2011
“Bad Reputation” and Stewie Rah Rah, the #1 King of Fun
This morning on “Oprah’s Farewell Season,” which has the same resonance as Cher’s Farewell Tour, given that Ms. Winfrey is not really “leaving” any medium, featured duets with a female legend of rock paired with a younger generation artist. The most curious and cognitively dissonant was the pairing of Joan Jett and Miley Cyrus, the former being a true ground breaker in the world of punk with her band The Runaways, the latter being a manufactured Disney princess currently struggling with how, in full view of the tabloid addicted pop cultural landscape, to translate her outsize marginal talent into a respectable adult career.
For Ms. Cyrus this made their duet of “Bad Reputation” both a declaration of defiance and primer on the impotence of defiance if what all you ever were is a randomly entitled tween queen.
This all reminded me of the hullabaloo over that preciously entitled princess Donald Trump (see Vanity Fair portrait ca. 2006) and his bid for the Republican nomination for president in 2012.
He also began the rehabilitation of his image on “Oprah’s Farewell Season,” there to prove what a family man he was because as Oprah ( gamely playing along) declared “we don’t think of you as a family man.” He appeared with all of his children from all three of his babymammas and his current wife, barely older than his daughter Ivanka, about whom he once said was so pretty that if she weren’t his daughter he’d be hitting that.
Needless to say, he didn’t come off as a family man.
He did however come off as feudal lord, as you heard every one of his children and his child bride repeatedly (and solely) describe their relationship with The Donald as “a job to do.” (At least Melania was being honest.) This was enough to convince Elizabeth Hasselbeck on “The View” to declare that “Donald Trump has created more jobs than President Obama.” (When the ladies of “The View” complain about what a stalking thin skinned sourpussy you are, what is Hu Jintao going to think of you?)
Needless to say, he did manage to turn his seedy personal life into an economic issue and that alone is a resounding victory in a political landscape in which every social issue is being framed as an economic one. (See Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.)
Donald, lest you think is trotting only the birther argument as a means to prove his authenticity (as in everyone is quite certain he is an American citizen), is pulling out all the stops to prove his superiority to anyone who dares disagree with him. In responding to Gail Collins’ column in The New York Times he wrote:
Even before Gail Collins was with the New York Times, she has written nasty and derogatory articles about me. Actually, I have great respect for Ms. Collins in that she has survived so long with so little talent. Her storytelling ability and word usage (coming from me, who has written many bestsellers), is not at a very high level.
Forget the syntax for a moment. “Not at a very high level?” Wow, now that’s word usage! With all this authenticity and career trajectory fur flying around, Mr. Trump betrays the existence of ghostwriters as Miley does of AutoTune when she sings live. But given the level of sophistication each presumes of their audience, their talent is unquestionable. Just ask them. Though to be fair, even institutions of higher learning like Rutgers are earning their bad reputation these days when they pay more for a lecture from Snooki than they do for Toni Morrison. Who’s he you ask? Never mind.
All irreverence aside, you will be happy to know that the serious camp in charge of Mr. Trump’s presidential aspirations is being run by none other than a man commonly known as Stewie Rah Rah, the #1 King of Fun.
What more can I say?
April 11, 2011
I’m All Over All That
An unabashed seeker of truth and unrepentant free spirit, Shirley looks squarely at a world that can irritate, confuse, and provoke her, but that can also delight her with its beauty, humor, and future promise. Reading I’m Over All That will make you feel you have been reunited with an old friend who tells it like it is but never takes herself too seriously.
Buy this book.
April 10, 2011
Never work with children, animals or Cher
“I’ve been 40 and I’ve been 50. 40 is better.”
“You don’t seem any smarter than the last time that I saw you.”
What I love about Cher is that she’s part of a rare breed of celebrity who is authentic; she tells it like it is and always has. Whether she’s discussing fame and wealth, love and sex, body image and aging, mental health or politics one thing is perfectly clear: Cher shoots from the hip. She is thankfully unaffected by a chromosomal abnormality I like to call “Up Syndrome.”
Watch this 2008 interview, especially between minute 5 and 6. Think very carefully when you think to yourself that she’s wrong. She’s not!
I have often quoted from this piece which I saw when it originally aired. I found it today on YouTube. I bet you start quoting some of what you hear too.
April 9, 2011
It’s my birthday today and I want a clown at my party
I just read my horoscope for the year in The Chicago Tribune and in part is reads as follows:
Aries Love and Romance 2011
With both giant Jupiter and exciting Uranus in your sign this year, you may be more self-absorbed than usual. Uranus stirs up your desire for freedom and independence.
Oh, my.
April 3, 2011
