Archive for August, 2009

August 25, 2009

Why Michelle Obama descended Air Force One in shorts, white sneakers and hair undone

tom_kolovos_wordpressnewIt wasn’t Michelle Obama at all.

It was actually Meryl Streep playing Michelle Obama in the new movie “Michel and Michelle.”

It’s a breezy yet moody  psychological thriller about how the ghost of Michel Foucaultreads aloud, and in French, to Mrs. Obama from “The Birth of the Clinic,” his 1963 tract on the history of the medical profession, hoping to inform health care reform in 21st century America.

Reports have circulated that the filmakers, who also borrowed liberally from Foucault’s “Civilization and Madness”  and “The History of Sexuality,”  were forced by studio executives to compromise their artistic vision in order to make it accessible to a multiplex audience.

The footage  of Ms Streep descending Air Force One was actually part of the movie’s penultimate scene, which was leaked on YouTube, according to sources who refused to  be identified because they were not authorized to speak  by Lynn Cheney, whose daughter was “not a lesbian” before the 2000 election but was having sex with women during that time.

Sources  close to the production have disclosed that the film  begins where “The Crying Game” left off.  Ms Streep’s character discovers that her husband really doesn’t have the balls to take on the banking industry and  that as a consequence the White House is facing foreclosure. The ghost, to which her husband is oblivious, persuasively makes the case that the health care reform he seeks is unpopular  not because people are losing their minds but because people who have insurance are losing (or feel like they yet may lose) their homes.

In order to escape the French ghost which haunts her and  to protect her family from the deadly apathy of her husband’s economic team (which she finds in bed with the banking industry) she takes refuge in  the only other home a First Lady knows: Air Force One.

Thinking she is safe up at 30,000 feet after Harrison Ford kills the French philosopher’s ghost  with venomous snakes he and Samuel  Jackson find on board, she must still enlist the help of Jodie Foster and  wisecracking flight attendant/TSB agent Mo’Nique to hermetically seal Sasha and Malia (both of whom are played by Dakota Fanning) in one of the aircraft’s lavatories, away from an  overbearing Ikram Goldberg who is fiendishly spoiling the girls with boxes upon boxes of delicious candy colored  Crewcuts outfits.

After Ms Fanning drives Ikram mad by revealing that she is  both Mile High Cyrus and her alter ego Hanna Colorado, she retaliates against her mother and forces her to dress like Ms Foster’s  travel “companion.”   Eventually she takes pity on her mother and allows her to remove the Mellisa Etheridge concert baseball cap, which has now irrevocably messed up Ms Streep’s heretofore impeccably yet incomprehensibly appointed big hair.

The film reaches its climactic moment as Ms Streep forgives the girls and just as Air Force One lands at the Grand Canyon, where they all happily descend the aircraft, blithely unaware that the dreaded  Ikram has not been vanquished!

In an astonishing denouement–or more likely  a crass marketing setup for the sequel–the woman Sasha and Malia really drove mad was Sarah Jessica Parker, who had assembled an Ikram Goldberg disguise made out of the factory overruns from her “Bitten” collection (for the now defunct  Steve and Barry’s discount chain) and  about which she is still telling anyone who will listen that they were categorically not made in sweatshops.

Mrs Cheney did authorize sources to reveal that Ms Parker will be played in the film by Sally Field, circa 1979.

TheBestDressedList.com

August 24, 2009

Donald Trump Presents: “I’d Like to Hit That (When Melania Isn’t Watching)”


tom_kolovos_wordpressnewChris Rock once joked that as a father you have  only two responsibilities: to keep your son from winding up on the (crack) pipe and your daughter from winding up on the (stripper) pole.

After last nite, I would add a third:  keep your daughter away from winding up on Donald Trump‘s “Miss Universe Pageant.”

Billy Bush was the host of the festivities broadcast live (sort of) from the Bahamas. His main function was to  repeatedly remind us that contestants would be sporting some of the hottest bathing suits. Ever. OMG!

All buttoned up in an ill fitting tux, he kept promising us  repeatedly that “lots of skin” would be on display.

He wasn’t kidding. To fill time as the top 15 contestants changed into their suits, we were treated to a photo shoot of contestants in (perhaps the tackiest of) string bikinis. While Flo Rida came out to perform, bikini clad contestants who were not lucky enough to make it into the top 15 were lucky enough to be made to sashay behind him, in the manner of what used to be disparagingly called “a video ho” on MTV. Now on NBC, it’s apparently simply called “competing for the crown.”

[picapp src=”e/f/1/6/Miss_Venezuela_Stefania_24fa.JPG?adImageId=4846903&imageId=6164899″ width=”380″ height=”488″ /]After the contestants were winnowed down to the top 10, based on their “fitness,” we were  finally treated to a synopsis of their inner life, whilst they stood there …..in their string bikinis.

Billy’s pithy revelations were limited to their ages and  their hobbies, which were almost exclusively limited to  exercising, shopping and watching reality television. Really? At least in the  pre-feminist 70’s, pageant organizers wanted us to know so much more about the contestants, including their measurements and favorite color (peach used to be the most common, as I recall).

It is difficult to walk away from the telecast last nite without thinking that the “pageant” should be properly retitled Donald Trump Presents:  I’d Like to Hit That (When Melania Isn’t Watching).” The top 15 we were told were chosen by an (unnamed) panel of judges and by representatives from the “Donald Trump organization.”

Hmm. When we were introduced to the judges who were actually going to pick the winner, I couldn’t help but wonder what qualification any of them had to pick the winner of, well, anything.

Some of the judges (both male and female) were downright creepy in that sex trafficking sort of way. And because, unlike the Miss America pageant, the Miss  USA/Universe pageant has never  bothered to add the pretense that it is a scholarship competition in which some (dubious) talent is involved, sex–sorry, skin– is all it can traffic in.

Also notable in the skin department was the train wreck music debut of Heidi Montag, which painfully recalled  Britney Spears’ appearance on the MTV Music Awards a few interventions back. And then there was the irrefutable evidence that makeup artists, hairdressers and stylists  have been terribly unkind to Kelly Rowland since she stopped singing backup for Beyonce.

Oh, it turns out Miss Venezuela won the title, even though Miss Dominican Republic was by far the most stunning and beautifully dressed of all the contestants this year. She had to settle for runner up.

I, simply, better settle down.

TheBestDressedList.com

August 2, 2009

SHORT STORIES

tom_kolovos_wordpressnew

Let’s say you’re a guy who knows that cargo shorts suffered a timely death at least 2 seasons ago but that you’re also on a budget this summer just when you need a few new pairs of shorts  now.  What should you look for and where?

Look for shorts in bold solids or patterns that end somewhere above your knee and taper from the mid thigh to the hem. If you’re looking for a bargain right now, head to Club Monaco and ask for their “Broderick” short. All patterns are on sale for $29.  The short comes in a  good array of checks, plaids and bold graphics.

A client who took my advice last week wrote in an email: “Just wanted to say thank you for the tip on the shorts at Club Monaco.  I went there on Sunday after the gym and immediately found 3 pair I liked.  One was in my size and the salesperson was able to find the other 2 in other stores.  Very cute, shapely, stylish and perfect for the streets!  All for less than $100, so a great deal overall!”

My personal favorites are the “Dk Blue Mix/Blue Fonce” which is essentially a teal diamond patterned print and the “Black Pattern” which looks like black lattice on a white background. Both of them have a very  crisp retro feel and look great with a white shirt or t shirt. (I would prefer that they ran a bit leaner through the thigh, but let’s not quibble about it for $29 bucks……)

Oh, and instead of wearing your  shorts with flip flops, run over to Aldo, buy yourself the terry cloth shoe inserts, insert them in a pair of dress loafers  and……  long story short, you will look  perfectly hot.