2008 IN REVIEW: The Year in Color

IN FASHION :

Grey is the new black.

IN RETAIL:

Everyone’s got the blues.

IN POLITICS:

Black is the new white. Red states are now the new blue states.

IN CALIFORNIA:

Gays got played by the Mormon Church and by the black vote and are now singing the blues.

IN CELEBRITY ADOPTIONS:

African orphans are the new ralphlaurenpaint.com

IN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION:

Two white women nearly made history running for the White House. One of them was actually qualified.

IN SUBLIMATION:

Elitist is now the correct term for uppity negro.

IN THE LYNN CHENEY “MY DAUGHTER IS NOT A LESBIAN” TRADITION:

White political candidates who believe in Virgin Birth still believe in teaching their children–and yours– that abstinence is an effective form of contraception till they’re blue in the face.

IN ROMANCE:

Among those folks for whom shotgun weddings for expectant white teens are all the rage, gay weddings between consenting adults still make them see red.

IN FINANCE:

“In the red” is the new “in the black.”

IN MUSIC:

Pink is red hot.

IN PHARMACEUTICALS:

Pfizer turns blue to green with sustainable wood. VIVA VIAGRA!

tomkolovos.com

10 things you can’t afford to live without

We are all being forced to cut back on the non essential things in our lives. Here’s my list of things you can’t afford to live without:

10 New York Times Select. The online version of the newspaper of record. If you were part of the 70% + of people who thought Iraq was responsible for 9/11, don’t worry, you won’t hate everything. The Op Ed page has Bill Kristol who convinced John McCain to put Sarah Palin on the Republican presidential ticket. You’ll like him.

9 indianmathonline.com You can’t afford those damn American Girl dolls anymore for your children/other people’s children? Good.  You are not the only one that thought they were always a transparent antifeminist waste of money. American girls don’t need dolls, they need math skills. Come to think of it, so do boys. Playing with dolls or soccer balls will not be a valued skill set in the 21st century global economy. If that surprises you, then you need to fork over $150 a year, per child, ASAP–before their math score turns out to be 150 on their SAT.

8 Window shopping. You go to a museum to educate yourself about the history and quality of art. You don’t go there to bitch that you can’t afford the art or to ridicule the artists. Try the same logic in a high end department or specialty store.

7 A museum membership.Museums exist for a reason. If you are unsure why, now would be a good time to find out for yourself and for any children in your life.

6 A good hairstylist/colorist. Length is not a hairstyle. Peanut brittle is never a convincing shade of hair color even if you are the governor of California and are married to a Kennedy. Oh, and ladies –male and female alike–highlights are not a hair color either.

5 A great pair of  shoes and jeans. I mean ones that other people consistently compliment you on and not the ones you’re wearing while you are reading this.

4 A friend that will bring you chicken soup when you have the flu. That eliminates everyone from your Facebook/bigmuscle/jdate account. Now what?

3 Your own personal Gayle King: Someone who (or something that) would have no real reason for being if it were not for you.

2 A loving mother. Just like she keeps telling you: you really are going to miss her when she’s gone.

1 The knowledge of what  the hell has happened to Nicole Kidman’s face. Did anyone catch a glimpse of Clutch Cargo Kidman on “Oprah” this week? Caveat emptor.

tomkolovos.com