Q and A

The dog days of summer is the time of year when writers and editors call me with questions about fashion, style and, lately, politics.

I’m so used to giving answers for a living that I rarely get to ask the questions myself. Here are some questions I’d like to ask. (OK, sue me. I’m impatient so I answered them too. Old habits die harder than Bruce Willis.)

Feel free to add to my list, but keep in mind this is a public forum and a good double entendre is as risque as you can get.

Who really motivated Marie Osmond to lose all that weight? The makeup person who finally screamed at her “for God’s sake it’s blush not steaksauce!”

What do you wear to a foreclosure? A housecoat.

In a post-Scalia Supreme Court, what will a burglar be wearing to your home? A chalk outline.

What kind of rice is dangerous if it stays in your cabinet too long? Condi Rice.

How many years does it take Neocons to screw in a lightbulb? The same amount of time it takes them to screw everyone, 8 years.

Why is Rick Santorum’s first name so often misspelled? Because the P is silent.

Why do rumors still abound that Bill Clinton keeps getting caught with his pants down? Because it’s Hillary who wears the pants.

What’s the subtle  difference between Christ and ChristoChrist would like it very much if Oprah got out of the business of walking on water. Christo would like her to stand perfectly still.

On what floor does Antonin Scalia always exit a building? The gun lobby.

Why does Barbara Bush stare adoringly at her husband? Because he’s the one who’s always giving her a pearl necklace.

On a tangentially related note, if you have never checked out stuffwhitepeoplelike.com, you are missing some serious hilarity. It turns out “Stuff White People Like: The Book” hits bookstores today.



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